


such a cool blue star with a bright new shine

by brandywine421



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-03-24 19:16:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3781279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandywine421/pseuds/brandywine421
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm going to Austria," Peggy said.  She raised her eyes from the table.  "If Steve lived through this, we all know it's where he would have headed."</p>
<p>"You're going to find Barnes," Morita said, his eyes flashing with realization.</p>
<p>"He would want him to be put to rest," she whispered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I wish I could be like all my heroes, I wish I could be like all yours too

**Author's Note:**

> This is the start of a 'verse with some time jumps between chapters. It was a lot of fun messing up canon. Starts right after Cap crashes the plane and continues from there.

# fix  
  
He hands shook as she heard the door open to the conference room.  They were shaking before but she could usually pull it together in front of the men that didn't think she should be in the war, or the service at all.  
  
Not today, though.  Steve's cracking voice and the sudden, crushing dead air over the radio still shook in her veins.  Her entire being was grief today.  
  
"Agent Carter?" Gabe said softly.  She remembered that she had work to do.  The war wasn't over yet.  There was too much left to do.  
  
"Gentlemen," she said, steeling her nerves and flattening her hands against the table to hide their betrayal.  "The mission was a success.  Schmidt was stopped and the bombs diverted.  But..."  
  
Falsworth gasped sharply.  "Captain Rogers?"  
  
She shook her head, not willing to say the words out loud.  Not yet.  
  
"He's resilent, surely we can find the crash - " Falsworth started.  
  
"Howard has planes in the air."  She curled her fingers into fists.  "He'll find Steve if there's anything left to..."  
  
Dernier surprised her with a warm hand on her wrist and a squeeze.  
  
It steadied her and she gave him an appreciative look and forced a breath.  "We are still at war and the Commandos are too valuable to the cause to be detained on what the higher powers consider a waste of time."  
  
Morita spoke, having slipped in while she was focused on breathing enough to speak.  "They're splitting us up, aren't they?"  He's pale and no one mentioned the red rings under his eyes.  
  
"That is their intent, yes.  I have been removed as liaison for the SSR but - "  
  
"Bollocks," Falsworth scoffed.  "I need to speak to Colonel Phillips."  
  
"He's stuck in a meeting with the suits," Morita said.  
  
"Captain Rogers signed a contract with the SSR with very specific instructions.  My father was a solicitor, I helped draft it myself," Falsworth said, holding her gaze.  "They can't split us up and our liaison with the SSR is you, not Phillips or any puppet they try to put in your place."  
  
"I doubt that'll stand up to the brass, they'll find a way," Dugan muttered.  "What else can we do?  I'll go AWOL if you get me a parka and some snowshoes and point me to where you spotted Cap last."  Dernier and Gabe nodded their agreement.  
  
"I'm going to Austria," Peggy said.  She raised her eyes from the table.  "If Steve lived through this, we all know it's where he would have headed."  
  
"You're going to find Barnes," Morita said, his eyes flashing with realization.  
  
"He would want him to be put to rest," she whispered.  
  
  
  
# found  
  
"I think we're too late, Carter."  
  
"Is he dead?"  
  
"No, but he'll wish he was."  
  
"If he's not dead, then we're not too late."  
  
  
  
# contribution  
  
Howard blinked the images of Barnes' snarling teeth and the gaping hole where his arm should be out of his mind but they were burned on the back of his eyelids.  
  
He wasn't a soldier, he never wanted to be on the front lines; he was meant to make the guns, not shoot them.  But Cap wasn't a weapon, he was his friend.  And goddammit - so was Barnes when he didn't have insane scientists poking around in his brain.  
  
Friends.  He wasn't used to those.  He didn't have enough to get used to them.  He wasn't a soldier and he wasn't a friend - but that was before Erskine and Cap and Peggy.  
  
Peggy's broken face after Cap went down - that was burned behind his eyes, too.  
  
"Stark.  Any word?" Dugan barked gruffly from the emptied waiting room.  
  
"Where is everyone?" he replied.  
  
"Went to back up Carter with the brass, I'm on watch.  Is he - "  
  
Howard shook his head.  "He's not trying to kill the docs anymore so he's better than an hour ago.  He knows who he is."  
  
Dugan grunted his unhappy understanding.  
  
Howard heard the familiar accented voice of Zola down the hall.  Talking about Barnes.  About how to fix him.  How it would be a sign of good faith to fix what he'd broken.  How it would regain all the research he'd lost to his captors.  He couldn't make out Dr. Hawkin's reply but he didn't need to.   "Over my dead body."  
  
"Stark?" Dugan asked after a beat, watching him cautiously.  
  
He glanced at the man.  He wasn't a friend, not really, but if he was going to have a witness against him in court; maybe he wouldn't be a bad choice.  
  
Dr. Hawkins and Zola appeared and the man's sneaky little smile popped the safety before Howard had pulled the gun out of his pocket.  
  
His hand didn't shake and his bullet didn't miss.  
  
The fat little bastard dropped to the floor with a muted squish when his head hit concrete.  
  
Dr. Hawkins gaped at him with Zola's blood dripping from his face.  "Mr. Stark - why - "  
  
"He had a weapon," Dugan spoke suddenly.  "Stark was defending himself."  
  
"He's the only man that could salvage what that traitor Erskine - " Hawkins blurted out.  
  
Dugan took the gun from Howard and he held his breath and waited for the MP's he knew were coming.  But the boom of another gunshot raised his eyes from the shattered head in the floor as Hawkins fell beside it.  "Erskine wasn't a traitor to our side," Dugan stated.  
  
Howard snapped out of his freeze and looked at the dead men and then at Dugan.  
  
"You, Peggy and Erskine were the only people other than Bucky that no one was allowed to talk shit about in front of Cap before he rounded the rest of us up," Dugan muttered, tucking Howard's gun in his pants.  "If you're actually capable of keeping your mouth shut, now's the time."  
  
"But - "  
  
Dugan's eyes flashed.  "Nobody's taking the fall for this because nothing happened.  You're going to help Bucky and keep assholes like these out of his head.  Got it?"  
  
The Military Police appeared in full gear, most of which Howard designed himself.  "Mr. Stark?  Are you all right?"  
  
"Thanks to Dugan, yeah," Howard replied after a long beat.  
  
"Nazi shot the doctor and went for Stark.  I disarmed him," Dugan picked up immediately.  He pulled out Howard's gun.  "Don't know where he got the gun from."  
  
"Looks like the one you keep in the lab, Stark.  Any idea how he got it?" one of the more familiar MPs questioned.  
  
"Phillips was right, they shouldn't have been escorting the bastard around the base.  Report it, take Stark and Dugan with you while we clean this up.  The nurses will have a fit if they see this," one of the men instructed.  
  
Dugan took him by the elbow and steered him out of the room ahead of the MP escort.  "Should I regret this?"  
  
"Cap should've killed him on the train.  I don't want Barnes to wake up with that bastard standing over him."  Howard shuddered at the thought.  "I didn't do anything before but - you guys got Bucky back for Cap.  I got rid of Zola for Bucky.  I won't ask you to lie for me - "  
  
"You didn't ask.  But maybe you leave the bloody stuff to the Commandos from now on, yeah?" Dugan asked.  
  
Howard didn't have a problem with that.  
  
  
  
# splinter  
  
"We didn't get you back for this."  
  
"Why did you get me back, Carter?"  
  
"You know why."  
  
"Then you should know why I have to do this.  Those bastards have to pay."  
  
"Alone?  You have friends, Barnes - are you willing to leave them, leave us, behind?"  
  
"You keep following other people's rules - but this fight's mine and I'm the only one that's going to win it."  
  
"And you're prepared to give up everything, your friends - the family you haven't even told you're alive - everything?"  
  
"Yes.  Steve's dead.  I can't take my life back until I kill as many HYDRA bastards as I can find.  They took Cap, Stevie, and they deserve to burn.  I won't apologize."  
  
"I will.  To everyone who risked their lives getting you back, I'll apologize for making it worthless."


	2. breathing fire doesn't look good on a resume

  
  
  
# repent  
  
Bucky watched the men twitter around the office space, sneaking glances at him sitting in Dooley's office and tapping his gloved fingers absently on the arm of the chair.  
  
Dooley stepped back into the office, a notch less flushed than when Bucky had introduced himself earlier.  
  
He'd been at war too long to remember how to be polite but he hadn't counted on making small talk when he came to beg for Peggy's forgiveness.  Her help, too, but first her forgiveness.  
  
She had saved his life.  She'd risked her career, her reputation - everything - to get his body for burial and she'd ensured he wouldn't be strapped to an exam table when he wasn't totally dead.  
  
He owed her everything and he'd pushed her aside.  Abandoned her to ungrateful assholes that didn't realize how important, how smart and brave and loyal Peggy Carter could be.  
  
"So, my bosses say you're threatening to quit.  They have no idea why you showed up here, not that we're not happy to have you.  You're a legend, Sergeant," Dooley continued, watching him warily.  Bucky wondered if he was remembered for being a Howling Commando in the war or the solo wrecking ball that had been blowing HYDRA heads off around the globe since.  
  
"I recently discovered one of the soldiers I served with was being short-changed by the SSR.  I came here to see if it was true.  I have to make a decision on what to do after my contract expires and I'd like to see how the people signing my checks treat their veterans," Bucky said.  
  
Dooley flinched, insulted.  "Now wait a minute, 95% of my staff are vets and they're good men.  Hell, we have a couple of cripples on staff."  
   
Bucky hummed and tapped his fingers again.  "You give your cripples real cases or just files to sort?"  He saw the door open through the window and Peggy stepped in, as glowing as ever.  She was carrying a tray of bag lunches.  
  
_Like hell_.  
  
He turned his attention back to Dooley, carefully pulling off his glove to reveal his gleaming metal arm.  "As a cripple, I find it pretty hard to sort papers," he said.  "What about your functional agents, would they feel they were treated equally?"  
  
"I didn't take you for a bleeding heart, Sergeant, you know how politics work," Dooley frowned.  
  
"Yeah.  I do.  Some people get medals, stripes, fame, everything they deserve.  While the rest get a pat on the back, maybe, and are left begging for scraps," Bucky said.  
  
One of the men outside stuck his face in a bag and slung it in the trash, barking at Peggy.  She barked something back but it didn't make it fair.  
  
"I assure you I treat all my agents equally, but I expect them to earn their way up the ladder no matter where they came from or who they might know," Dooley said.  "But I'd like to know who would be spreading rumors like this."  
  
"It didn't come from your agent.  They haven't spoken to me in years.  Didn't agree with my choice of specialty after my second resurrection.  I finished my missions and came to make my amends and expected to find them on the top floor giving orders and saving the world.  Now I find out they're here, working for a man that thinks he's doing cripples a favor by giving them a chair to keep warm."  
  
Bucky steadied himself as Peggy finished her delivery and glared at a couple of the men to shut them up as she made her way to a desk in the far side of the room.  "I should apologize for my harshness, but I've never been good at lying.  Introduce me to your men, Lieutenant, and I'll get out of your hair."  
  
"I'm sure when you speak with your friend, you'll realize that you're wrong about this place," Dooley said.  
  
He'd already seen what he needed to.    
  
A hush fell over the room when they stepped out and Dooley cleared his throat.  "As I'm sure all of you know, this is Agent James Barnes.  He's come to check out the place."  
  
Bucky nodded and scanned the room without settling on Peggy's sharp eyes.  "Bet you guys are wondering what I'm doing here, your boss definitely is.  Truth is, my CO's retiring and my contract's almost up.  Told them I wouldn't renew it unless I got to work with the best."  
  
The men began to murmur to themselves and a couple actually preened.  Peggy narrowed her lips.  
  
"One of you saved my life.  Twice.  You were one of the smartest, most capable agents I ever had the honor of working with and you never left a man behind, even one that wasn't yours."  He finally let his gaze fall on Peggy directly.  "You deserve more than this place with assholes that don't respect what you've done.  I want you on my team, to lead my team."  
  
The room buzzed with confusion as they all glanced around before they collectively seemed to realize who he was talking to.  
  
"Please," Bucky said.  
  
"You wouldn't follow my orders before," Peggy replied tersely but her eyes were dark with emotion.  
  
"I won't apologize for going solo," he said firmly.  "You had enough blood on your hands already because of me but I didn't expect them to bench you.  I would have gone a different way if I knew this was how the SSR treated their war heroes."  
  
"Sergeant Barnes, Agent Carter is up for a promotion and I'm sure we could support your team - " Dooley started after a long pause.  
  
"Not my team.  _Hers_.  And it won't be here, her promotion's going to be a lot higher than that." He turned back to her.  "What do you say, Carter?  Will you take another chance on me?"  
  
She raised her chin and he held his breath.  You'd think he'd be tougher than this but Peggy had a way of breaking men down with a glance.  "Did you get it out of your system?"  
  
"It won't bring him back," he said immediately.  "I'm ready to remember his life instead of his death.  He would trust you to lead the way if he couldn't."  
  
She finally nodded and he reached into his coat and pulled out an envelope.  "Lieutenant, here are Agent Carter's transfer papers, effective immediately.  Her reassignment is classified so her exit interview will have to be completed via telephone."  
  
"I'll need time to check these," Dooley replied, visibly stunned.  
  
"Take your time, Agent Carter and I have appointments to arrange," Bucky said as Peggy stepped to his side with her handbag.  "You didn't tell Phillips you were stuck in a place like this."  He smirked when he saw Dooley's startled expression.  
  
"I don't need to ask for favors, I can earn my own way," she frowned.  
  
"Not with assholes like this.  Let's go, Boss.  After you," he added with a bow.  
  
"You are still as infuriating as I remember," she murmured.  
  
The insult warmed something long shriveled in his chest.  
  
  
  
# red rover  
  
"Barnes, get your ass in here," Colonel Phillips barked.  "Bring Carter with you."  
  
She glanced at Bucky who despite his earlier chattiness in public had barely said a word since they arrived at Phillips' office.  
  
"He's pretty pissed at me," Bucky said quietly.  
  
"Seems to be going around," Peggy muttered as they stepped into the cluttered office.  
  
"Carter.  Been wondering where you were.  Could've used you a few weeks ago, didn't know they had you shuffling papers.  What did Barnes tell you?"  
  
Peggy cut her eyes at him.  "Not much, just that he was putting a team together."  
  
Phillips grumbled.  "No, _you're_ putting a team together.  Stark won't work for anyone else and even the Commandos are wary of Barnes these days so we definitely can't let any other agencies get hold of him.  So if you can take Barnes off our hands and keep Stark reasonably sane then I want you running the show."  
  
"I don't know how much the three of us can do on our own.  What are the SSR's expectations?" Peggy asked, hiding her surprise.  
  
"It's your show," Phillips replied with his familiar _'are you deaf or just daft'_ expression.  "The SSR has too many cooks in the kitchen right now, too many politicians.  The War's over in Washington's opinion but we all know that there are threats that need our attention that Washington's never going to clear for investigation."  
  
She wanted a promotion, sure, but a team made up of Howard and James seemed unwise even if she would be calling the shots.  
  
"Some of those threats come from inside our own house.  Quite a few of us connected with Project Rebirth are concerned about the number of people that have been given access to the research.  Let the SSR handle the puppeteers in DC; I want your team to handle the rest of the missions, no matter their political ties.  All of your work will be highly classified but you'll need to be at meetings and debriefs.  You'll be the face of your division, so try and stack it with more respectable agents than him."  Phillips leaned back in his seat, locking his gaze on Bucky.  "I want to hear you tell her."  
  
"Tell me what?" Peggy asked immediately.  
  
Bucky didn't meet her eyes, stiff at full attention as he spoke.  "I disobeyed direct orders and stole weapons from the US Government.  I assassinated 69 high ranking HYDRA officers and participated directly in the deaths of hundreds of HYDRA soldiers while destroying enemy bases."  
  
"How many did you save?" Peggy asked after a beat.  She knew his revenge vacation had been bloody, but she hadn't considered exactly how deep his rage went.  
  
"I didn't count them.  I made sure collateral damage received medical attention," Bucky replied.  
  
"He freed a bunch of POW's but we're still weeding out the bad apples," Phillips muttered.  
  
"I went on an unsanctioned vengeance mission," Bucky stated.  "And I'm sorry.  Steve...it's not what he would have wanted.  I don't have a purpose without him; he wouldn't want to be the reason I went on a killing spree.  I want to make it right, whatever's left, I want to make it right."  
  
Phillips huffed.  "You're top choice, Carter.  Are you ready to get back into the game?"  
  
"Is my first task to discipline Sergeant Barnes?" Peggy asked.  
  
Phillips snickered and waved his hand dismissively.  
  
"You're on coffee and lunch duty.  _Forever_ ," she said to him.  He winced appropriately.  
  
  
# application  
  
"I don't like any of these, where are the rest?" Bucky asked, flicking the last of the files toward the discard pile.  
  
"You've already gone through the rest.  We can't have a division with only three agents, plus, Howard's not even an agent.  What is he drinking?" Peggy asked, darting her eyes to the large glass partition separating them from his expansive lab.  
  
Bucky kind of liked their new building.  Especially the part where he got an office of his own.  He was going to lean back in his cushy chair and tell people what to do.  God, his Mom would be proud of him.  Not that he'd been able to see her in person yet.  It was too soon.  He needed time to stop waking up with the taste of other people's blood in his mouth.  
  
"New rule, no scotch until after noon on weekdays," Peggy muttered.  "We're getting nowhere, James.  I've called for reinforcements."  
  
That caught his attention.  "What kind of reinforcements?"  
  
Jarvis appeared with one of the agents from Peggy's previous position - the one with a crutch.  He frowned.  "I'd rather have Jarvis than one of those bastards from your last office."  
  
"Sousa is a good agent and if he's available, he'd be a good addition," Peggy said.  "You weren't fair to all of them in your little tirade.  You used to consider a tap on the arse as a valid courting technique."  
  
He didn't deny it, but things were different now.  He was willing to follow her into the next ring of hell to chase HYDRA rats; but was also bound to protect her as his best friend's girl.  
  
Something exploded in the lab in a flash of yellow smoke and Jarvis pointed Sousa into the room and scurried to check on their scientist.  
  
Peggy sighed.  "Daniel, thanks for joining us."  
  
"Daniel?" Bucky asked.  Peggy frowned at him and he held up his hands, backing down.  He had to pick his moments.  
  
Sousa gave him a wary look but nodded politely.  Bucky didn't do well with polite.  
  
"I was surprised to get your application, but considering the other recommendations we've gotten, I can't afford not to accept yours," Peggy said, motioning to the scattered files.  
  
"Sounds like you're really excited about it," Sousa replied dryly.  But there was a hint of a smile.  
  
Peggy motioned for him to sit.  "It's not that, it's these," she motioned to the files again.  "This is supposed to be my team but it seems every division wants one of theirs on it.  I don't want my people reporting to anyone other than me."  
  
Sousa flipped through one of the folders.  "I know this guy.  He refuses to work with Negroes.  That should probably be in his file."  
  
Peggy and Bucky frowned.  Definitely a no.  
  
Sousa picked up another one.  "Harriston, he's got a lisp when he talks, in English, but he speaks fluent Japanese, Korean, Mandarin and a bunch of other languages.  Brought a wife back from Okinawa."  
  
"How do you know about them?" Bucky replied.  
  
Sousa met his gaze steadily.  "When you've only got one leg, they tend to hold you back in training a little longer than normal recruits.  I was teaching the class on forensics by the time they passed me out."  
  
Fuckers.  
  
"You should check with Dooley," Sousa said.  "He'd never admit it but he interviewed a few agents that only applied because they wanted to work with you.  There was a lady, Darla something, her uncle was in that HYDRA base where they found Barnes the first time.  She's a widow with a kid, though, and he told her he wouldn't give her field work, ever, and she turned him down."  
  
"You disagree?  The kid would lose their one parent if something happened to her," Bucky said.  He didn't think he would have put her in the field.  
  
"The kid's probably 15 by now, and a lot of agents have kids," Sousa shrugged.  "Dame's like Zorro if you put a sword in her hand."  
  
Peggy looked thoughtful and Bucky could tell he was going to meet another applicant soon.  "Mind going through these files while I make some calls?"  
  
Howard stepped in with Jarvis, with his left sleeve singed and smoking.  "We need a new coffeemaker."  
  
Bucky sighed.  "I'm on it.  You can work on making new guy's crutch quieter, I could hear him coming a mile away."  
  
"I'm sure he has other - " Sousa started but Howard was already examining the metal crutch.  
  
"Do you want a new leg?  I'm sure I could rework Barnes' prototype to - " Howard offered.  
  
"I'm good, I think," Sousa replied with a look of disbelief.  
  
"He needs non-explosive things to work on," Bucky said to Sousa.  
  
"Like coffeemakers?" Sousa replied.  
  
"Eh," Howard muttered, walking out of the room with Sousa's crutch and a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
"You won't be going anywhere for a while anyway," Bucky said as he moved his stack of files across the table to him.  
  
"James.  Coffee is your prime directive.  You are falling down on the job," Peggy said.  
  
Bucky gave Sousa a stern look.  "Don't get any ideas, Jarvis is watching you."  
  
Sousa raised an eyebrow.  "You do _know_ Peggy, right?"

 

# visitation  
  
Bucky watched her for a long time before he took a breath.  
  
 _Becca_.  She wore her hair in the natural curls she'd spent her entire childhood complaining about.  The ring on her finger was already dull with the years he'd missed.  
  
He wondered if she'd had the dream wedding she used to ramble about between complaints about her curls.  
  
She was beautiful.  He hadn't realized how much he missed her.  How far this life had been from the one he'd chosen for himself.  How much he didn't deserve to have her forgiveness.  
  
But he promised Peggy, and himself, that he would do this.  That he would try and be a real man and not a ghost.  This was the moment he started proving himself to Cap, and all the rest.  
  
He nodded to the waitress and murmured his request to her with a wink, not the ' _I'm going to snap your neck momentarily_ ' wink, but the ' _I am a polite gentleman who will leave a tip_ ' wink.  He'd been practicing.  
  
He spent too long being invisible and deadly that being visible and harmless was more foreign than anything else.  
  
He probably looked like a gangster with his hat and gloves but Becca wasn't scared of much and he knew her curiosity would trump any reservations she may have.  
  
She glanced his way after the waitress gave her the faded 'Prayer to St. Michael' card that Stevie had packed in his things when he thought Bucky was dead and Steve knew he was next.  It wasn't the original, that was gone when he was strapped to a table with both arms; but this one had been with him through the rest.  He nodded his chin and she narrowed her eyes.  
  
Becca.  _Shit_.  
  
He levered himself to his feet when she approached but he waited until she was within reach to take off his hat.  Her eyes widened comically and he smiled.  
  
"Bucky?  Is it - " she whispered.  
  
"Hey, Becca."  
  
Her arms were around him tightly, so tight, and he breathed in her scent.  _Sister_.  Home.  
  
"Bucky - what the hell?" she demanded, wiping her wet cheeks before shoving him lightly.  
  
"Let's sit, I don't want your friends to swoop in before we get a chance to talk," Bucky said, eying the ladies watching them and whispering across the room.  
  
"Forget about them - you're alive, Bucky, they said, everyone said you were dead!" Becca hissed, sliding into the booth across from him.  
  
"Steve's girl and my team, well, his team - they saved me."  
  
"Steve had a girl?" Becca boggled.  
  
He choked out a laugh.  "That's what you get out of that?  You always loved him best."  
  
She shoved him and her ring clinked against his new arm.  She froze a moment and slowly wrapped her fingers around his bicep.  "Bucky.  Your arm..."  
  
"It's okay."  
  
"Let me see," she said, narrowing her eyes.  
  
He tried not to look like he was cowering into the corner.  
  
She finally pulled back.  "What happened?"  
  
"I...fell."  
  
"Bucky."  
  
He couldn't lie to her now, now after all the years of letting her believe he was dead.  He took a breath but didn't catch enough air.  He took another one for  luck.  
  
"You saw what they did to Stevie, right?" Bucky whispered.  
  
She shook her head and he felt like sobbing.  "What?"  
  
"He was - shit.  When I shipped out - "  
  
"He joined up, yeah, he wrote us a letter," she urged.  
  
"He volunteered for this experiment, made him healthy and strong.  Stronger than a normal man, but still Stevie.  He was - he saved me.  Broke me out of a POW camp and put me on his team - and even if I still had both arms, I was a mess.  I should've - it doesn't matter now."  He didn't raise his eyes from the sticky, scratched table.  "I fell and the last thing I remember about Steve was his face, his hand reaching - but his face is what I remember.  Next thing I saw was a hole where my arm used to be and my best friend's girl balling her eyes out."  
  
"The war's been over - that was over ten years ago," she whispered.  
  
He nodded.  "Yeah.  All I saw was red for a long time.  I wanted the people that did this to me - the bastards that killed Stevie - I needed them to pay.  I was lost for a while.  Nuts like Uncle Perry used to be."  
  
"Uncle Perry is still nuts," she whispered.  
  
"I don't see red anymore, but I have it all over my hands.  I'll never be able to save as many people as I killed," Bucky confessed.  "I'm not a good man, but Peggy - Cap's girl, she says I have to try anyway."  
  
"He really was Captain America, wasn't he?  Fuck, I own Remy ten bucks," Becca realized.  "What - oh, Buck."  
  
He clenched his metal fingers with a muted whir that Howard still hadn't fixed.  "I have a job working with the SSR now, with good people.  I'm trying to be a good person, too.  So I thought..."  
  
"You're such an asshole, Bucky, you're my brother and I'll always be on your side.  Are you - are you staying?  Are you going to see Ma?  She's not - "  
  
He nodded.  "I know.  Peggy told me if I didn't pull my head out of my ass and come see you that she would drag me herself."  
  
"I think I like her."  
  
He huffed.  "God, you'll love her.  Howard's giving me a place to live, outside of the city and we're having a thing for Steve.  I thought, maybe, you would come and bring everyone.  I'm told I have nieces and nephews to meet.  And brother-in-laws to threaten," he added.  
  
"Howard Stark?  You know him?  Well that explains why he dropped all that money in Ma's lap after the war," Becca hummed thoughtfully.  
  
Bucky had a rush of fondness toward the mercurial Stark.  "He's a good guy, maybe, 75% of the time.  Gave me this arm," he shrugged.  "He has a birthday party for Steve every year with the Commandos but since I'm back now...they're going to bring their families and we're going to talk about fixing some of those statues that list me as the only dead Commando, and the ones that don't have Peggy's name on them."


	3. you have broken every heart of every friend you've ever had.

# fishing

  
  
"Are you sure about him?  Sometimes he's still a little… _off_ ," Daniel said quietly as they watched Bucky flirt with tonight's least-clothed lady at the bar.  
  
Peggy took a sip of her drink and wished it was whiskey.  "He's a good man.  He's just trying to find a way to remember that.  I didn't know him like I knew Steve."  
  
Daniel hummed.  "The other Commandos talk like nobody knew him like Steve."  
  
That was definitely true.  "I only met him after Steve broke him out of the HYDRA camp.  The first one."  She lowered her voice.  "He never seemed to care about himself, only Steve and his team.  Steve was always his first priority.  Losing him was worse than losing his arm.  I don't think either of them knew how to live without the other."  
  
"So you're looking after him for Cap, now?"  
  
Bucky's dark eyes tracked her across the room even as the strange woman sucked on his throat.  
  
"He likes to think he's looking after me, but I'm not the one that went on a killing spree to get over losing Steve," she replied.  
  
"Are you over losing Steve?" Daniel asked quietly.  
  
She took a deep breath and looked away from Bucky and his date.  "As much as I ever will be."  
  
Daniel nodded.  "Well, let me know when you're over him enough to consider going on a date with me.  I'm patient."  
  
She knew, she'd known for years, that Daniel was attracted to her.  She'd never questioned his patience either.  
  
He was a good man.  A good friend.  He made her laugh.  She'd been mourning Steve for all this time and she'd only shared a single kiss with him.  The kisses she'd had since had been for work or accidental - but she hadn't spared one for Daniel.  She closed her eyes and tried to picture a future for herself with a husband.  
  
Daniel loved her.  Did she love him?  
  
She was attracted to him.  She trusted him.  Did she love him?  Could she?  Did she have enough of a heart left to share?  
  
"Buy me another drink, Sappy," she said finally, bumping shoulders with him.  "And maybe ask me again when I'm more sober."  
  
  
  
# haunt

  
Howard blinked awake from his familiar nightmare with Bucky glaring at him from above.  
  
"You fell asleep in the lab again.  Carter's not going to be happy."  
  
"House is too big, too quiet," Howard muttered before he realized he was talking out loud.  Damn hangover always won.  
  
"Thought you had a place in the city."  
  
He winced.  "There's a girl there and I don't remember her name to ask her to leave."  
  
Bucky snorted.  "Your life is hard.  You want me to run her off for you?"  His arm whirred and Howard's fingers itched for a screwdriver.  
  
"She seems nice, she doesn't deserve to be terrified out of her mind.  And you are completely terrifying," Howard said.  
  
His dark eyes followed Howard to the coffeepot and desk.  "Dugan said I owed you."  
  
The memory of the splash of Zola's blood flashed behind his eyes like it did every night.  "I make the weapons, I don't like to use them.  I'm not like you and Peggy.  I can't do what you do."  
  
"No one asked you to.  What did you do?"  Bucky stared at him without blinking.  He really was terrifying.  
  
"Zola," Howard stated finally.  Bucky paled and his hand reached out to grab the table to steady himself.  
  
"What?" Bucky hissed.  
  
"He deserved it, I know he did, but that's - I shouldn't have had to do it.  I have a lot of blood on my hands from the weapons I dish out to others, but this - God.  Why can't I get over it?  How do you get over it?  It was years, almost a decade, but I still see it.  Booze, dames, nothing keeps that little rat's exploding face out of my dreams.  I've done a lot of shitty things, Barnes, why does this one haunt me?"  
  
Bucky didn't answer, instead he moved closer and pulled him into a crushing hug with a whir.  "You stupid _fucking_ bastard.  Goddamn you."  
  
He wasn't sure if Bucky was going to crush him to death or kiss him.  Neither was an appealing outcome.  
  
"Fucker.  The shit that keeps you awake at night is going to get me my first full night's sleep in fucking years," Bucky said.  
  
"That kind of language and hugging - what the hell did you do?" Peggy barked from behind him.  
  
Bucky finally released him, swiping tears but smiling.  "Asshole.  You should've told me."  
  
"You knew he was dead, she told you he was dead," Howard muttered, acknowledging Peggy's looming and impatiently silent presence.  
  
"Not like that," Bucky said.  "Howard.  Thank you."  
  
"Howard?  Bucky, what are you thanking him for?"  
  
"He saved my soul, Peggy," Bucky said, squeezing his shoulder and swaggering out of the room with an easy grin.  
  
"What the hell was that, Howard?" Peggy asked, concerned and curious.  
  
He shook his head.  "I have no idea."  He avoided her eyes but she didn't let him walk away with the lie.  "I've had nightmares for years."  
  
"We all do, but..."  
  
"I killed Zola.  Dugan covered for me," Howard whispered.  "I see it.  It was so long ago, but it's the thing I remember clearest from the war.  I wake up with the red skim of his blood over my eyes and Bucky just - "  
  
Peggy didn't hug him but she grasped his hand tightly until he looked at her.  "You've been involved in the deaths of thousands of men."  
  
"Thanks for that," Howard muttered.  
  
"He's the only one that haunts you, not because you feel guilty for taking a life, especially not his life - but because you pulled the trigger yourself and saw him fall.  It means you know firsthand the price of what we ask James and our agents to do every day."  
  
"We haven't found him, Peggy.  I thought we would find him by now and I could stop," Howard whispered.  
  
Peggy sighed and bumped shoulders with him.  "You hate working with me that much?"  
  
He huffed out a tired laugh.  "I must still be drunk from last night."  
  
"You have to let go of the war, Howard," she said softly.  "Even James let go when he came home."  
  
He shook off all the heavy words he'd brought down on himself.  Damn hangover.  He had to start drinking earlier so this would stop happening.  "I'll let go when you let that Sousa kid take you out."  
  
"Jarvis will be home soon to kick your ladies out for you.  You always get maudlin when he's away.  And you know you're not allowed to talk about who I'm dating."  
  
"Is that confirmation that you're dating?" Howard winked.  

  
  
# proof

  
_"Stand down, Barnes, code yellow."_  
  
Bucky froze.  Yellow was bad.  "Report, Sousa."  
  
Peggy would fucking kill him if he let the guy die on his watch; but Sousa wouldn't stay behind a desk just because he had one leg.  Bucky understood the feeling.  
  
_"Remember Helsinki?"_  
  
Howard spoke in his ear, less clear from the distance from the circling jets.  "Plasma bombs?"  
  
Sousa hesitated _.  "Bigger.  Wow.  Yeah.  Give me a minute, everyone stand down until I get my head around this."_  
  
"What's your current sector?  I'm on my way to you - "  
  
_"I'm lead this op, Barnes, stand down.  I might need an extraction.  Ross?"_  
  
"Building's cleared, locals are evacuating the perimeter areas."  
  
_"Get a head count and load up, take the three backup teams and leave Team Apple with a plane for our extraction."_  
  
"Update on the code yellow?" Bucky said, moving toward the wing of the warehouse he'd last plotted Sousa on his mental map.  
  
" _Fuck you, Stark,_ " Sousa said sharply.  
  
"Uh, okay, that's a normal reaction but I haven't done anything yet," Howard replied after a beat.  
  
_"I hate it when you give me a reason to thank you.  This thing in my fake leg is about to save our asses and get you all kinds of new tech to play with.  As long as it works."_  
  
"Stark?" Bucky hissed for an explanation.  He hated being out of the loop.  
  
Sousa huffed suddenly and there was the distant sound of metal clanging together.  _"Barnes.  Basement level, room 12 past the boiler room.  I'm gonna lose my leg again in about, oh, two minutes."_  
  
"That's not fully tested, Sousa - " Howard started.  
  
But Bucky was at room 12 and didn't process anything else when he saw the pulsating orb of glowing plasma that filled the room.  "Daniel."  
  
"We're working.  You signed off on the communicator protocols," Sousa said absently from where he stood elbow deep in a busted console.  A bomb.  He was fucking with a bomb.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
  
He paused when he saw Sousa's fake leg splayed open on the chest of a dead bad guy.  It was lit up by a flashing panel with several cords pulled out that led to Sousa's focused gutting of the continent-leveling bomb a few feet away.  
  
Sousa was using another dead villain to support his weight under his stump so he didn't tip over on his single functional leg.  "Do you know what you're doing?" Bucky asked.  
  
Sousa snorted.  "Not so much, but the timer stopped and I'm 72% sure that the leg's in charge of the device for the moment.  I just have to..."  
  
"Sousa - wait - I changed the prototype before I upgraded it - when the big light turns green it's going to - " Howard said loudly.  
  
"Shit," Sousa gasped and Bucky slammed to the floor an instant before the console exploded in a flurry of sparks and smoke.  
  
" - short out the circuitry and there's a minimal chance of an explosion."  
  
Bucky blinked spots out of his vision and watched the giant sphere of glowing death contract and shrink down to the size of a marble and rolled to the edge of the dead bomb's platform.  
  
Sousa rolled off him with an _oof_ and Bucky realized how he got on the floor for the first time.  "Did you seriously just throw yourself in front of me?"  
  
Sousa rolled his eyes and huffed out a cough of relief.  "Would it make you feel better if I said I was trying to hide behind you?"  
  
Bucky cursed under his breath.  "Stark's going to build you a better leg."  
  
"And Peggy doesn't need to know about what happened down here, does she?" Sousa asked.  
  
"Uh.  Sorry," Howard murmured in their ears.  
  
Bucky helped Sousa to his feet and realized that if Steve wasn't coming home, Daniel would do right by Peggy.  He was a good man.  Brave, smart, kind.  He would take care of her and give her the life she deserved.  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Daniel asked as he helped him limp to the exit past their backup teams flooding the room.  
  
Bucky switched their microphones off and waited for Sousa to get a good grip on the railing of the stairs before he answered.  "You're not Steve's replacement.  You're not just warming her bed until he comes home.  She deserves a man like you."  
  
Sousa blinked at him.  "Are you seriously giving me your blessing right now?"  
  
He shrugged.  "I've got a new suit and everything."  
  


 

  
# dead line

  
  
Becca kissed his cheek and his ma choked back a fresh round of tears.  
  
"Go," his little sister whispered from their ma's side.  
  
There wasn't a body.  No ashes.  No body parts.  No dog tags.  
  
Steve was gone.  He wasn't coming back.  
  
It was time to put him to rest.  
  
The gravediggers had followed their rules explicitly and the box of Steve's sparse belonging from the Barnes' family attics was buried six feet underneath the dark mound of grass.  
  
The headstone beside Sarah and George Rogers' marble marker was blank.  
  
Peggy, Howard, the Commandos - the world - they could have the empty grave in Arlington with the statues and the flags and tour guides.  
  
This grave was for Steve.  
  
He kneeled beside the blank marble and splayed his hand on the smooth stone.  Howard loved upgrading his arm and the new attachment flashed a red light and began carving words into the marker.  
  
_Steve Rogers_  
_Beloved Son, Brother and Friend_  
  
"Wasn't supposed to end like this, Stevie.  Never like this.  But you did what you always said you would and I - I miss the fuck out of you.  But I'm really fucking proud to have known you."  He hesitated.  "Guess I shouldn't talk that way in front of your ma.  Or my ma.  But at least I know where you're resting now.  You deserve to rest."  
  
He didn't know how long he babbled at the pile of dirt but when he finally remembered that he hadn't come alone and stood up, only his sisters remained.  
  
"Come on, Buck," Becca said.  "Ma's almost got dinner on the table and you need to clean up before Auntie May gets here or she's going to fuss over you."  
  
"She's going to fuss over me anyway," he replied with a firm embrace.


	4. everybody wants to feel like they did when the sky looked good and the world was perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time skips a little faster through here but hopefully I'll have the foundation for the bits to come.

# final

  
Howard clinked his glass to Bucky's and neither of them winced at the first set of fireworks in the distance.  They'd all come a long way.  
  
Peggy was dancing with Daniel, the new prosthetic finally convincing him to ditch the cane, both glowing in the string lights after all these years.  
  
"We're getting old, Stark," Bucky said.  
  
"I am, at least, you don't look a day over 24," Howard said.  Bucky avoided his eyes, looking to the sky.  They would have to talk about the lack of aging at some point but he let it drop for now.  
  
"SHIELD's turning out all right, I think.  It feels cleaner than the SSR," Bucky hummed after a beat.  
  
He didn't want to talk about work and took a long swallow.  "I think I'm going to get married."  
  
Bucky choked and looked at him, shocked.  
  
"I think I found the one I love."  
  
Bucky scanned him.  "You knocked a girl up, didn't you?"  
  
Howard frowned.  Asshole.  "I love her."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Fuck you.  I'm going to marry her and it's not going to be because she's pregnant, it's because I love her," Howard replied.  
  
"Hey.  I have to meet her first," Bucky said.  "I get executive veto."  
  
"She's beautiful, she's smart, and she's classy as hell.  She'll make me look respectable again," Howard said.  He loved her.  He could make himself love her.   
  
"Is she after your money?"  
  
"It's Maria Carbonell," he admitted.  
  
Bucky whistled.  "She's way out of your league, Howard.  There's no way she'll marry you."  
  
"She's due in January," Howard sighed.  He didn't mention that she'd proposed to him.  "I bought you a new suit."  
  
  
# hiss

  
  
"You don't like me very much."  
  
Peggy looked away from the baby bouncing on Bucky's knee under Daniel's nervous watch.  "Why would you say that, Maria?"  
  
She couldn't deny it but she wasn't expecting a confrontation after they'd been married over a year.  
  
"It doesn't seem like jealousy, you could have Howard in your bed if you wanted him from the way he looks at you.  I know he'll probably cheat on me so if it would encourage you to stop giving me the evil eye in front of everyone I know, go for it," Maria said flatly.  
  
"It doesn't matter if I like you and I've never wanted to be with Howard," Peggy snapped.  
  
"It does matter," Maria clipped in return.  "Your opinion matters to my husband and if you didn't hate me then I might possibly have a chance of him loving me back.  I don't want his money, I didn't even want a child - I only ever wanted Howard.  And I can't have him because you hate me."  
  
Peggy narrowed on her words.  "You didn't want a child?"  
  
"Tony is a gift," Maria replied, settling back into her practiced politeness.  "I am grateful every day for his health and presence in my life.  But Tony isn't old enough to leave me for a younger woman."  
  
"You are a younger woman," Peggy replied.  
  
Maria held her gaze.  "What do I have to do to make you believe that I love him?"  
  
Peggy sighed.  She hated girl talk but the woman was persistent and they'd danced around their dislike for over a year.  "Does he talk to you?"  
  
"Sometimes.  I know that there's something between you, James and Howard that nobody's allowed to touch.  I know you two will always come first in his priorities.  But I'd really like it if Tony and I could make second place on his list," Maria replied.  
  
"We've been friends a long time.  Howard's a...unique man.  I never pictured him settling down."  
  
Maria looked away.  
  
"But, he cares about you.  He looks at you like Daniel looked at me, in the beginning before we had to share a bathroom full time," Peggy admitted.  "Howard didn't marry any of his other women, he never had a woman he called a girlfriend and he actually knew you before he took you to bed."  
  
"I turned him down twice, I'm very proud of that," Maria smiled slightly.  
  
Peggy glanced over where Bucky was making faces at the chubby fingered child.  "Don't give up on Howard, Maria.  That's how you can prove it."  
  
The woman nodded.  "Fair enough."  
  
She sighed.  "And you should come to tea with Jarvis and I on every second Tuesday of the month."  
  
Maria smiled, triumphant.  Peggy sighed.  She hated girl talk.  
  
  
# share

  
"So this is the kid that's keeping you from spoiling your own nieces and nephews," Becca smiled.  
  
Tony glared at her warily, having staked his claim at Bucky's feet since they'd arrived at the park for the monthly Barnes family meal.  
  
"Howard's boy.  They're pretty protective so I try and take him out for some air when I'm in town," Bucky said, rustling his hair fondly.  
  
"Miss my toys," Tony murmured.  
  
Becca smiled.  "Please don't tell me you forgot his toys."  
  
"Screwdrivers and wrenches are not toys," Bucky told Tony.  He stuck his tongue out at him.  Bucky turned back to Becca.  "He got the brains and the crazy from his Dad," he whispered.  
  
Tony looked up at her with wide, innocent eyes.  "Daddy says I'm not allowed to be crazy until I get at least three patents."  
  
Lucy, one of the in-law nieces appeared, shuffling on her feet.  "Uh.  Do you want to play Red Rover, Tony?  We need another kid for our side."  
  
Bucky hesitated, wondering if Tony was going to lash out to be left alone or if he would interact today.  The kid had tutors and rarely spent time with kids his own age simply because they couldn't keep up with his brain.  
  
"We have the same uncle, kid, that means you're family," Lucy sighed, sounding greatly put out for an 8 year old.  "We need another short one or Paulie won't be able to play."  
  
Tony looked up at Bucky.  
  
"I promise not to leave without you, kid, I'll be right here," Bucky said.  
  
Tony nodded decisively and followed Lucy to the cluster of rowdy kids waiting impatiently in their clearing in the park.  
  
"When are you going to settle down with one of your own?" Becca asked, amused.  
  
Bucky didn't look at her and kept his eyes on the kids as he spoke.  "Won't happen for me.  That stuff they did to me in the war took away any chance for that."  
  
Becca watched him carefully.  "Is that why you're not getting any older?"  
  
He shrugged.  "We don't talk about that.  I avoid the scientists as much as possible.  It's bad enough we outlived Mom and Dad.  The idea I might outlive any of the rest of you, it's not something I'm willing to consider."  
  
Tony had corralled his side and was explaining a strategy with wild gestures to the other kids who were nodding and bouncing in giddy agreement.  Bucky wasn't sure what kind of strategy could be employed in a game of Red Rover but it was social interaction so today went down as progress.  "I just want to be a good uncle since I won't have any of my own."  
  
"You are a good uncle.  But maybe you should start thinking about the aging part.  If only to answer questions when you walk Harriet's girl down the aisle looking younger than she does despite being twice her age.  There have been questions."  
  
He sighed.  He hoped he'd avoided that.  "I'll probably have to disappear if I don't get some gray hair or something, just to keep the bad guys from figuring it out and coming after me for bloodletting."  
  
Becca glared at him sharply but he waved her off.  "It'll be fine, Becca.  SHIELD's been studying me for years, the information's not going anywhere.  I'm the one that's not ready to open the folders."  
  
"I'm going to talk to you about this again, but you should pull out that expensive camera and get some shots of that godson of yours," Becca smiled, patting his metal hand.  It meant everything to him that his family had never been intimidated by his 'augmentations'.  
  
He pulled out the fancy camera Howard had given him to test out and began recording the most cutthroat game of Red Rover he'd ever seen.  He caught most of the game before it devolved into tickle-wrestling and tears.  
  
  
# resolve

  
"You're late again," Maria hissed from the corner of her mouth when Howard and Bucky slid into their reserved seats at whatever graduation ceremony they were attending for Tony this week.  Having a kid that was getting degrees he'd never heard of before he hit puberty was a strain on his schedule.  
  
Bucky's hand clinked and stuttered loudly and he flushed red.  Howard motioned to his face and held out a handkerchief so he could wipe at a missed streak of blood.  
  
"Ugh, you smell like a crematorium," she scolded when he kissed her cheek.  
  
Howard shuddered.  That was a little closer to the truth than he could think about right now.  They'd lost four civilians and an agent; but they'd saved Cleveland.  
  
Bucky's hand grinded and clinked again.  
  
Maria finally turned to look at them and frowned in concern.  "I promised I wouldn't miss another one," Howard said.  
  
She nodded and smoothed a finger across his cheek.  "You should sneak out after they give him his diploma, we can handle the press without you.  I think Bucky's arm is malfunctioning."  
  
"Shut up, Maria," Bucky whispered, annoyed.  
  
"I didn't come all this way just to skip out on your appearance," Howard said.  
  
"It doesn't matter if the cameras see you, what matters is that Tony sees it," Maria replied.  
  
He glanced at her.  "And you.  That you see it, too.  I love you and Tony."  
  
"I know, dear," she replied, tilting her head for another kiss.  
  
He held her hand while Bucky slumped down for a nap through the first half of the alphabet.  
  
Howard had a desk full of paperwork back at his SHIELD office and in the Stark Industries office.  He had experiments running in four labs in three states.  He had a board meeting and drinks scheduled with the Secretary of Defense before lunch.  
  
Tony walked across the stage and skimmed the crowd with his mother's eyes.  
  
Dammit, Howard was proud every time.  He was a shitty father, but damn.  He had a great kid anyway.


	5. I take your word like it was gospel, I'm so eager to please

  
# bond  
  
Bucky nodded appropriately as the kid ranted off a familiar list of reasons he hated his father.  
  
Howard was as spastic and frenetic as he'd always been but with Tony's insane IQ and rebellious instinct - they didn't interact like a normal set of father and son.  Bucky knew Howard drank too much, talked too much - so did Tony - but Howard loved his kid.  He just didn't know how to deal with emotions.  Howard was the best friend that he'd never wanted but was lucky to have.  
  
His friendship with Howard didn't matter right now when Tony was upset, again, with his father's disappointment.  
  
"I'm never going to be Steve," Tony sighed as his anger ran out and Bucky tuned back in.  
  
So it was Steve again.  40 years and he was still very present in all their minds.  He was still the best man that they'd ever know.  
  
But Tony would never know Steve.  He'd never know why they couldn't stop talking about a dead man.  
  
"Hey, whenever your dad starts rambling on about Captain America's perfection, you just remember who he really was.  A runty little kid with a big mouth, like somebody else I know," Bucky said, putting his metal arm around the hunched brat.  "He was far from perfect, but he tried his best at everything he did and it was always enough.  Captain America is a hero, but Steve Rogers was a good man and that's what matters, not that bullshit your dad spits out when he's got too much bourbon in him."  
  
Tony sighed, blowing a solemn raspberry when he exhaled.  "I just wished he liked me as much as he liked Cap."  
  
"No comparison," Bucky said.  "Steve was his friend, not his son.  Your dad loves you and he wants the best for you, he just goes about it the wrong way."  He bumped him.  "You know you're always welcome to come here when you need to decompress, right?"  
  
"I know, why do you think I'm always here?  You'll get tired of me eventually but until then - "  
  
"Hey," Bucky interrupted.  "I changed your diaper, trust me, if I didn't get tired of you then, I won't now."  
  
The phone rang and Bucky held up a finger to quiet him and raised it to his ear.  
  
"My kid over there?" Howard asked.  
  
"Are you going to be a dick to him again?"  
  
"Tell him his program's working like a pro.  Why is he mad this time?  We were doing good work."  
  
Huh.  Bucky held out the phone and Tony frowned but accepted.  
  
"But - okay.  Yeah.  Okay.  I'll come back," Tony muttered, passing the phone back.  
  
"I hate playing negotiator, Howard," Bucky said.  
  
"Good, because you're shitty at it."  
  
Bucky turned to Tony.  "Want to talk about it?"  
  
"He says that when he's criticizing my math it's because we're supposed to check each other so things don't explode because we didn't carry a 3 or something," Tony sighed.  "He says when we're in the workshop he thinks of me as a partner and not a child.  I'm not a child."  
  
"Sure, kid," Bucky smiled.  "I'll drive you back, okay?"  
  
  
  
# bullseye  
  
"Fuck.  Boss is going to kill me," Bucky groaned when he blinked the blood out of his eyes and felt the empty space on his shoulder where his arm should be.  Oh, and the pain everywhere else, he felt that, too.  
  
_"Shh.  They're coming"_  
  
He didn't move immediately, but he didn't say anything yet.  He used his remaining arm to wipe his face and scan what seemed to be a warehouse.  
  
Unconfirmed reports of a start-up ring of generic bad guys dealing experimental drugs on the streets that turned people into temporary, temperamental killers.  
  
Found the ring of bad guys, but not the drugs.  Fuck.  What if they dosed him?  Wait.  Meds didn't work on him anymore.  Huh.  
  
He glimpsed the shadow in the far corner of the room, high in the rafters.  He heard the boots approaching and snapped his eyes closed.  He wasn't chained.  
  
_"Fucker should have found our rat and killed it by now."_  
  
_"Looks like he's still out, how hard did you hit him?"_  
  
_"We gave him a double dose, maybe he OD'd."_  
  
He waited until he felt the heat of the man's breath near his face to move, kicking out and swinging his fist and taking out two of them before he got to his feet and a count on the rest.  He was slower from whatever they knocked him out with and had to edit his moves to compensate for the missing arm but he took down the two assholes before the room flooded with uniforms he didn't recognize.  
  
Uniforms.  So not opportunistic drug dealers that got the wrong delivery.  He hated bad intel.  
  
He braced himself for the brawl but the head of the first wave of men jerked suddenly as a hole appeared in his forehead - and the forehead of the man directly behind him.  He didn't know if he was lucky or cursed that the other hostage was a sniper.  
  
"We should have a few minutes, their third shift crew will take at least five minutes to get here.  You should get the fuck out now if you're going," the voice spoke after the room was silent apart from the death rattles.  
  
The guy's voice was shaky with a tinge of youth that Bucky had missed the first time he'd spoken.  A kid, what even with this.  
  
"I've got an exit," Bucky lied.  "I'll get you out."  
  
"Not without my brother," the guy replied after a long moment.  
  
Of course.  "Where is he, we'll get him.  I'll turn you both loose when we've burned this place down."  It had been a while since he'd been allowed to blow up anything.  
  
Another long pause.  "He's dead.  I shot him."  
  
Bucky bit back a growl.  
  
"He went nuts.  They gave him something.  Same thing they gave you.  Are you going to go nuts?"  
  
Bucky snorted.  "I've been nuts for years, that's not really an issue on my end."  
  
  
# matching pairs  
  
"Stay here," One-armed guy said, nudging him into a blandly decorated room reminiscent of an abandoned motel room minus a bed with a kitchenette and ragged furniture.  
  
Clint only had one working ear but it was enough to hear the conversation through the door.  
  
_"You have to stop collecting strays - falsifying identities is hard enough when the agents are over eighteen.  We don't have enough lawyers for this."_  
  
_"I couldn't just leave him there.  I promised I'd help him bury his brother."_  
  
_"Jesus, Barnes, you're supposed to be our top operative - emotions are not in your contract."_  
  
_"He's a kid."_  
  
_"That's what you said about the last one."_  
  
_"She's better now!"_  
  
The voices drifted too far for him to pick up so he scouted the area with his eyes before starting his foot search.  
  
He didn't know what the hell he'd gotten himself into but without Barney - hell, even with him after they left the circus - everything was out of his control.  
  
He didn't see the red-haired girl sitting on the edge of the out of place office chair by the blacked out window until he'd already moved into the kitchen.  Damn, the girl was still.  
  
"Are you my guard?" he asked.  She didn't move.  But she blinked.  "What are they going to do to me?"  
  
"Hello - are you alive?  Do I need to call someone or are you just pretending to be silent and deadly?" Clint asked after a beat.  
  
"I _am_ silent and deadly," she replied in stilted English.  Not an American.  Huh.  
  
"Nope, because you just talked," he shrugged.  "Are you going to answer any of my questions?"  
  
"The Soldier 'saved' me.  I do not know of his plans for me.  I owe him," she said.  "I will behave.  I will not fuck you."  
  
He snorted.  "I'm so out of your league, Chickie.  Who's the Soldier?"  
  
The door opened and the, huh, formerly one-armed guy stepped back into the room, grim-faced and pointed at him with a metal finger attached to his new cyborg arm.  "You got me benched, bastard.  You better not be a punk."  
  
The girl's eyes were bright with curiosity but she was at strict attention with the man in the room.  
  
"I can't promise anything until I know what the hell's going on.  Who are you?  Who's she?" Clint asked.  
  
"I'm James Barnes.  This is SHIELD, it stands for something that takes too long to explain, but we're generally the good guys.  Not cops or Feds, we have bigger shit to deal with," the man said.  "Natalia's one of mine.  Don't mess with her."  
  
She smiled for a split second before settling her face back into cool indifference.  Clint wondered how old she was now that she'd moved from the shadows enough for him to see her fully.  
  
"You okay?" James asked her directly.  
  
"He did not 'mess with me'," she replied.  "So I did not hurt him."  
  
"Thank you," James said seriously.  He lowered his voice and turned to Clint.  "Nobody touches her without her permission.  She's safe here.  You can be, too, if you want it.  If not, I'll turn you over to child services - "  
  
"No," Clint blurted out automatically, snapping his mouth closed.  
  
"How old are you?" James asked.  
  
He hesitated.  He glanced at the girl.  He wondered who'd messed with her enough to earn this man's protection.  "14.  Me and my brother have been on the run since I was 10.  Don't remember ever having parents, just...bosses."  
  
"Who are you running from?" James asked immediately.  
  
"He will kill them all," Natalia added with a pleased nod.  "They will not catch you.  They will not hurt you again."  
  
Oh.  
  
"Give us a shot, kid.  If you don't fit in or you want to leave, we'll cut you loose.  I give you my word," James said.  
  
Clint didn't have enough information to make a decision yet.  And his instincts hadn't gotten him far since they'd left the circus under Barney's lead.  But he was in charge of his own life now.  
  
"You don't have to decide right away.  But your name might make this easier," James said.  
  
He took a deep breath.  "Clint.  Clint Barton."  
  
  
  
# echo  
  
Tony sighed as he covered his mom, and dad this morning, with blankets and took the glasses out of their hands before they left glass in the puddles of liquor for the staff to clean up.  
  
He was old enough now to understand how his father's classified projects saved as many lives as they took in the right hands; but he still didn't understand how his father couldn't see how upset and sad it made his mother having him in danger.  
  
He had already sent his work to his professors via courier because he was too lazy to go all the way to campus today to hear lectures on things he already knew.  He found himself in his father's office, flipping through the datebook to see if he was going to miss any important meetings.  Jarvis had been taking too many vacations since he retired.  
  
The date's space was filled with notes, but not dates.  Coordinates.  Ocean current and water contamination readings.  A supply order number for submarine fuel.  Submarines?  Was his dad working on submarines?  
  
He flipped through the datebook.  There were similar pages exactly three months apart.  What the hell was his father up to?  
  
Speaking of, his father stepped into the room and his bleary eyes cleared when he saw what Tony was looking at.  He opened his mouth and Tony winced for the scolding.  
  
"Don't tell your uncle.  Or aunt.  Please."  
  
His mind finally caught up to the weight of his discovery.  "Submarines.  You're still looking for him.  For Cap."  
  
Howard sank into the chair across from his own desk with a sigh.  "You know why I ride you so hard about being like Cap?  Because you remind me too much of myself.  I'm a shitty father, Tony, a capital 'A' asshole.  I don't want you to grow up like me, I don't want you to be like me, I want you to be like him.  I want - I want to bring him home.  I've spent my life trying to be a man that Steve would be proud to call his friend but - fuck, it's been so long and I haven't found him and - Bucky and Peggy would send me to the nuthouse if they knew."  
  
"Dad.  One of the things you taught me about Captain Rogers was that he never gave up.  Never quit.  I doubt they'll hold it against you if you don't give up either," Tony said.  He stood up and gave his father an impulsive clap on the back.  "Hell, you're a Stark and the one thing you taught me about us was that Starks always get what they want."  
  
"Maybe," Howard smirked but the panic had faded.  
  
"One day you should show me the details.  You know, in case you're not in town to handle it," Tony said.  
  
"Yeah, kid.  Let's go find some coffee and talk about something else so your Mom will believe we're bonding," Howard said.  



	6. I hear you gave the world a brand new voice, such a happy melody with a new wave whine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand we're here. ♥ There's finally a timestamp in this so we'll have a new baseline. (Math is so hard.)

# discovery

  
  
_"Tony?  Are you home?"_  
  
He winced at the sound of his dad's voice over the phone.  He wondered what he'd messed up today.  "No, I'm at Bucky's."  
  
_"Thank fuck, go get him right now and tell him it's a Code Blue and drive him to HQ.  He needs to be here right fucking now_ ," his father said in a rush.  
  
He'd never heard his dad sound panicked, let alone crazed, but the urgency was clear.  "Why can't he drive himself?"  
  
_"Because he's going to lose his shit, hell, I'm losing my shit - Peggy's in Brazil and she's going to lose her shit and I just need - "_  
  
"Someone to not lose their shit, I guess I'm honored," he snorted, kicking at Bucky's knee and watching him jolt awake.  "Howard says there's an emergency and I'm supposed to play taxi."  
  
_"Tony,_ " his dad said in his ear.  _"This is really important.  Me, Bucky and Peggy are going to be a little distracted with red tape and assholes.  I need you to be our eyes and ears."_  
  
Was his father giving him a task that actually required trust?  
  
_"You don't have any connection to this other than old stories, so use your gut - scientists, military, agents, spies - everyone's going to want their hands in this and I need to focus on Cap and not the vultures waiting in the wings."_  
   
Cap?  Oh **fuck**.  Cap.  "You mean - "  
  
_"Let me talk to Bucky while you go start the car.  I can't wait for him to meet you_ ," Howard said.  
  
Meet him?  It had been over forty years since Captain America martyred himself for America, what the fuck -  
  
Bucky took the phone from him with a frown and he shook off his thoughts and hurried to the garage.  He took a detour to the library Bucky never used to grab a worn photo album he wasn't supposed to know about as the man's voice raised angrily in the other room.  He barely had the key in the ignition before Bucky jumped into the passenger seat.  
  
"You okay?" Tony asked.  
  
"Just drive.  Fast as you can, I need to be there yesterday," Bucky said.  He met Tony's eyes darkly.  "We want you to button down in his room, don't let anybody poke him or scan him or - hell, just don't let anybody near him until we finish yelling at people.  They'll lock him in a box, drain his blood - we have to - "  
  
"All right, Robo-uncle, just relax.  I'll take watch, no problem.  Any reason I'm picked for the job?" Tony asked after a beat.  
  
"Like we'd trust anyone else, you're family, asshole," Bucky huffed.  "Drive faster."  
  
"So, he's really alive?"  He hadn't expected that answer and something warmed in his chest.  
  
"Your dad says he is.  Howard wouldn't lie about this and if Zola's serum's kept me alive this long, then there's no reason his serum couldn't have saved him," Bucky said.  His metal fingers started to bend the plastic and steel of the dashboard.  
  
Tony knew that he wasn't supposed to ask about why Bucky seemed to be the same age now as he always had.  His dad and Peggy, they had lines on their face and regular trips to the salon to get rid of gray hair; but not Bucky.  
   
"Down a notch, man.  We'll be there soon and you need to get your temper in check.  Half of HQ is still terrified of you and you probably need them on your side this time," Tony said.  
  
Bucky pulled his hand back and clenched his fingers.  "Fuck.  I never thought - fuck."  
   
  
  
  
# good morning

  
  
Bucky took one look at the man on the gurney, turned and stalked out of the room.  
  
Tony shrugged and turned to the agent escort.  "I've got it from here, shoo."  
  
"Sir - "  
  
"Nope," he said, nudging the armed guard to the door.  "I've got watch so your guys can just stand down until my Dad or uncle get back," Tony said, closing the door when the guy was unhappily forced outside.  He jammed a chair under the knob and scanned the room for cameras before settling on the mountain of a man in the hospital bed.  A chair wouldn't keep them out if they really wanted to get in; but he was Howard Stark's kid and nobody would touch him here.  
  
Captain America didn't look like a man that had been frozen in a glacier.  His hair was golden with pink and healthy skin.  He had muscles that would give bodybuilders an inferiority complex and had a future as a model if the whole superhero 'back from the dead' thing didn't work out.  
  
"Your dad must be pretty important.  Anyone I know?"  
  
He jumped but he totally didn't scream like a little girl.  Sharp blue eyes met his when he focused on Cap's face.  "Oh, hey.  I didn't know you were, like, conscious."  
  
"I've been trying to stay asleep until I recognized someone.  But I'm getting a little impatient," the man, Captain Fucking America, stated flatly.  
  
Tony hesitated and pulled up the extra chair.  "All right then.  I'm probably not the best to brief you, Captain - "  
  
"Am I still a Captain?  Because I'm pretty sure I'm not in the same world that I left," Cap said quietly.  "Did we lose the war?  Was there even a war or - "  
  
"Pause," Tony said.  "You're in the same world, Cap.  But not the same _time_.  You...you were lost for a while.  What do you remember?"  
  
There was a long beat and the Captain held his gaze.  "Crashing."  
  
"Okay then," he said, sucking in a breath.  "So, you crashed, took out Red Skull - thanks for that - I heard he was a really bad dude - and there was a lot of shit going down after they lost you.  The tech wasn't advanced enough for them to find you...right away.  Dad never stopped looking, but he didn't find you."  
  
Cap's face wrinkled in thought so he went on.  "That was still the 40's.  The war was still happening and Dad went off his nut and, kind of, helped kill a lot of people.  Aunt Peggy, sort of, went off her nut, too and decided to find your dead sidekick and brought Uncle Bucky home so he could go off his nut and kill a bunch of bad people."  
  
"Bucky?  Bucky died," Cap said slowly.  
  
"Yeah, like you did, right?  He doesn't talk about it much, but the Soviets had him until the Commandos went after him.  He burned out a lot of HYDRA camps during and after the end of your war.  They never got over losing you," Tony added softly.  
  
"I don't - okay, go on.  I have a feeling that was a long time ago, too," Cap said, his voice cracking a little.  Tony really hoped he didn't start crying.  
  
"Yeah.  Peggy and Dad branched off from the SSR and started SHIELD, in the late 60's after some bullshit in the 50's that doesn't really matter," Tony picked up.  He continued with his clumsy synopsis through the 70's until now and was slightly out of breath by the time he finished.  
  
"You're Howard's boy.  Damn, he must be really proud of you," Cap said after a long pause.  "Is that it?  That would make it...1982?  I lost...God, my head hurts just trying to process that.  And I'm naked, strangers saw me naked."  
  
Tony blinked at him.  "That's what bothers you?"  
  
"There was a tube in my - who does that?" Cap said, motioning to the lower half of the bed.  
  
"Yeah, that would be traumatizing.  But you hadn't taken a piss since the 40's so they probably had to do it," Tony winced.  "Pretend to be asleep again, I'll get you some stuff."  
  
  
  
# vow

  
Peggy ignored the flurried rush of agents that approached her when she stepped off the elevator.  She knew that she was due upstairs to sort out whatever Howard and Bucky were doing with the Council but she wasn't going anywhere until she knew if it was true.  
  
It couldn't be true.  
  
She'd assumed that Howard had given up the search to find Steve's body.  She should know him better than that but now he said Steve was alive and that was something she had given up on when a radio went dead 43 years ago.  It couldn't be true.  
  
It couldn't.  
  
She had to know.  She narrowed her eyes at the guards outside of the secure medical room.  
  
"Sorry, Director.  Stark's kid is in there, won't let anyone in that's not Howard or Barnes," the taller one said, shifting uncomfortably.  
  
"He'll let me in."  They finally stepped aside and she rapped on the door.  Her hands didn't shake.  It couldn't be true.  "Tony?"  
  
It took a few moments longer than she expected for the door to open.  "All right.  Tell the scientists he's still asleep but I think his toe twitched," Tony told the guards before he let her inside and closed the door quickly.  
  
"Is that really necessary?" she asked him as he slid a chair under the knob.  
  
"Oh yeah," Tony said.  He glanced behind him at the closed curtain and lowered his voice.  "He was doing fine until he saw President Reagan in the newspaper and now he's stressed out again."  
  
"Tony - what - " she started but he was already pulling the curtain back.  
  
_Steve_.  Oh God.  
  
He looked...just like she remembered, albeit in different clothes.  The gray t-shirt was too small for him and the jeans were too tight but his face was wrinkled with thought as he flipped through the newspaper at the edge of the bed.  
  
"Cap, put the newspaper down and say hello to someone you might actually believe," Tony said.  
  
He raised his bright blue eyes to hers and she forgot how to breathe.  _Alive_.  He was _alive_.  
  
"Peggy."  
  
She walked over and put both hands on his shoulders.  They were shaking now.  She studied his face, every line, every eyelash, his mouth and curve of his jaw.  It was him.  
  
"I didn't think you could be any more beautiful," he said, embracing her gently.  "I'm really glad you're here.  Howard's boy has a lot of big stories, but I remember the rules.  Never trust a Stark," he said.  She turned her face into his neck and ignored Tony's squawk of protest behind them.  
  
"I can't believe it - are you - how are you here?" she whispered, pulled away but not letting go.  
  
"I don't know.  Last thing I remember was talking to you on Schmidt's plane," Steve said.  He met her gaze with desperate eyes.  "You found Bucky?"  
  
She nodded.  "We couldn't...it's what you would have wanted.  He was alive."  
  
Steve took her hands and guided her to sit beside him on the bed.  She looked down and saw that he was touching her wedding band.  "He better be good to you."  
  
"He is," she whispered.  
  
"I expect to meet him soon.  Tony says Howard and Bucky are here somewhere but I haven't seen anyone else," Steve said.  
  
"I can't believe Tony's the one designated to fill you in on forty years of history," Peggy replied shakily.  
  
"Nobody else knows I'm awake yet.  He got me some clothes.  He's very sneaky," Steve said.  
  
"And just when I was starting to like you," Tony muttered.  "Dad and Bucky didn't want scientists poking him.  And he was naked."  
  
Steve frowned.  "I feel violated.  He said you were one of the bigwigs around here.  Think you can get me out of this room so I can see if he's full of it?"  
  
"I, maybe, told Jarvis to keep the car running in case he wants to sneak out," Tony admitted.  She shouldn't be surprised that Tony was smitten with Steve already.    
  
She sighed and turned back to Steve.  Living, _breathing_ , shocked Steve.  "I'm going to go collect the boys and we'll get you out of here.  Tony, if I'm not back in an hour, make a scene."  
  
He gave her a lazy salute.  "My pleasure, Aunt Peggy."  
  
"Hurry back.  I have a lot of questions I don't want to ask in front of the kid," Steve said.  
  
"An hour.  That's the longest I'm going to let you out of my sight for the next few, hell, years at this rate," Peggy murmured, squeezing his hand.  She didn't want to leave him again but she had to.  
  
"Come on, Aunt Peggy, go boss people around so we can get him out of here," Tony said, shaking her out of her thoughts.  
  
She forced herself to her feet and stepped out of the room before she could change her mind.  She marched blindly to the conference room where Howard was mid-shout.  
  
She wrapped her fingers around Bucky's flesh wrist and his dark eyes read her face without her saying a word.  
  
"Howard," Bucky said, silencing the man with his 'a second away from murder' voice.  Howard stepped back.  
  
"Director Carter, I assume you've been briefed on the discovery - " Isaacs said from between her embarrasing shoulderpads.  
  
"I have been heard all I need to before I arrived at this meeting.  If Captain Rogers were dead, which he is not, his body would be released to his next of kin," Peggy said.  Bucky raised his metal hand and flipped off the gathered council.  She glared at him and lowered it.  
  
"His body is government property - " Frome said from one of the speakers.  
  
Peggy cleared her throat again.  "Captain Rogers is a man, not property.  As such, he is allowed to make his own decisions and for the moment, he has chosen to leave HQ to gather his thoughts and recuperate."  
  
"You can't mean - he's awake?"  
  
"I spoke with him myself.  If SHIELD is allowed access to study Captain Rogers' augmentations, it will be with his full cooperation, not blindsiding him after forty years of suspended animation," she said.  Her voice didn't shake but she was coming close to the end of her composure.  "We will not hold the Captain against his will and as a personal friend, I will be escorting him to a safe location of his choosing.  Gladys, work with Harvey gathering all of their extraneous suggestions and I will call in an hour to coordinate further."  
   
"He's awake?" Howard hissed.  
  
"Tony's bonding with him, this is a time sensitive matter," Peggy whispered from the corner of her mouth.  "He already knows about President Reagan, I doubt you want him to spill the beans about the Dodgers."  
  
"My place.  Maria's at Howard's and your husband will be here as soon as he hears about it," Bucky said. "Nobody will bother him at mine."  
  
"We'll discuss it when he's in the car and we've lost the tails they're contractually obligated to assign," Peggy said.  
  
  
  
# home  
  
_"Hey, I drive a car better than you fly a plane so you can just keep your comments to yourself."_  
  
_"Hey, that's not very nice."_  
  
_"I'm a Stark, Cap, it's well known we're not very nice."_  
  
Bucky yanked open the door to the house and forgot what he was planning on doing when he saw Steve.  
  
_Steve_.  Standing.  Walking.  Glaring at Stark.  Fucking kid.  
  
He had to put his hand on the wall to stay upright.  All the air had been sucked out of the world.  
  
_Steve_.  
  
When his familiar eyes landed on him and widened, Bucky crumbled.  He threw his arms around him like he was drowning and let out forty years of grief.  
  
"God, Bucky."  
  
"Where the hell have you been?" he choked.  It was irrational but he'd missed him - so much.  He had tried to learn not to miss him but it was Steve.  
  
"Taking a really long nap from what I hear.  Bucky.  I thought - "  
  
"Shut up."  He held him by the shoulders and looked up at his best fucking friend.  Steve.  God.  "Forty-three years and you look - "  
  
Steve grasped his metal hand and held it up.  "I need to know everything.  Please.  I don't care how long it's been right now because you're alive.  You're alive, Bucky."  
  
Fuck - it really didn't matter that it had been decades because Steve - Steve was alive.  
  
"This is touching and everything, but Cap's hungry and I'm cold so can we go inside?" Tony spoke, shattering the moment.  "You'll have time to catch up later."  
  
There would never be enough time to catch up.


	7. it's like that dream where it feels like home but it don't look right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don't rush me! But yeah, these bits have been brewing on my desktop a little longer than I expected.)

  
  
# tag  
  
Phil absently adjusted his tie and scanned the monitors over his trainer's shoulder, watching the grass in Agent Barnes' yard die under the gardener's lawn mower blades.  
  
He worked hard to earn a place at SHIELD but even after years of specialized training and tests; he was still a probationary agent being groomed for desk work.  He'd joined the service (and SHIELD) to avoid a desk job but that seemed to be his path no matter what occupation he chose.  
  
Agent Marks yawned but clicked the blue light that flashed on the console.  "Marks."  
  
"Barnes is on his way back to HQ with the spawn.  Houseguest is moving into the north private wing, he's got free access to the house and the staff.  He's top priority, down from the Director, but his identity is currently classified.  He's not allowed off the premises but...shit, his priority level is huge.  Anyway, the instructions are still coming in, but do whatever that guy tells you to and be nice about it."  
  
Marks scoffed and gave Phil a grin that he wasn't entirely comfortable with.  "Think I should put the probie on it?" he asked the boss over the speakerphone.  
  
"You still working with the desk jockey?  Sure, let him babysit the guy, see how he does with the diplomacy part.  He's less likely to piss off the Soldier," the voice replied.  
  
Phil kept his face completely blank when Marks waved him off to entertain SHIELD's deadliest operative's houseguest.  
  
Well, he wasn't behind a desk or stuck listening to Marks snore through another shift.  
  
Barnes was a legend at SHIELD and one of Phil's heroes, even if he hadn't immediately realized that he was *Bucky* Barnes, Howling Commando and legendary battle partner of Captain America.  He wouldn't call him a sidekick after seeing his classified record.  Director Carter and Howard Stark were intensely protective of him despite his penchant for violent confrontations and he had saved a ton of people no matter his methods.  
  
Phil was lucky to be able to work with Barnes, even if he had only met him a few times in passing.  One day, he'd work his way through the ranks far enough to shake his hand.  
  
"Oh, here's one.  What about this one?  Oh, I thought if you could hear me you could see, too."  
  
He barely managed not to double take when he saw the tall blond man from his prized comic collection talking into a cordless phone.  He looked just like - but it couldn't be.  It had been too long for him to be alive.  
  
"Here," the stranger said, holding out the phone.  
  
Phil blinked but raised the phone.  "Agent Coulson."  
  
_"What's your security level, who do you report to?"_  
  
Barnes.  "Probationary level 2.  I report to Marks."  
  
_"Ugh, hate that guy, spits when he talks.  What's your first name?  Paul?"_  
  
"Phil," he replied after a beat.  That was close.  The Captain America doppleganger watched him warily.  
  
" _Oh yeah,_ " Barnes muttered.  " _Barton told me about you.  You'll do_."  
  
"I'm sorry, sir, but what exactly do you need me to do?" Phil asked.  Who was Barton?  
  
_"This is way above your pay grade but you know I'll kill you if you fuck up, right?"_  
  
Phil knew.  "Yes, sir."  
  
_"That guy in front of you is Captain Steve Rogers and yeah, that is who you think it is.  He was fucking frozen in a fucking glacier for forty fucking years - "_  
  
*Steve* was growing steadily more flushed with every expletive.  Captain America had enhanced hearing, of course.  "Sir.  Perhaps you should censor yourself for sensitive listeners," he interrupted.  
  
" _What?  Shit, he - okay, Phil - the last thing he remembers was 1943 so he's a little out of place right now.  The World Security Council is throwing a tantrum and I have to go threaten people at HQ so I can get Peggy and Howard to Steve ASAP.  Your only objective right now is to look after my friend until we get back.  Impress me and you might get a promotion instead a tombstone at your next review.  Now give the phone back to Steve."_  
  
Phil held the phone out silently and Steve took it with a frustrated eye roll.  "Do you do anything but threaten people?  I have more questions so...just hurry back, okay?"  
  
Steve lowered the phone and blinked at it.  Phil put him out of his misery and took it, pushing the 'off' button and replacing it on the charger.  
  
Captain America.  "It's an honor to meet you," Phil said finally.  
  
"How do you know who I am?  Everyone says I died decades ago, but they seem to know who I am anyway," Steve replied after a long moment.  
  
"You're in history books, statues, comic books.  You're a national icon.  Sir," Phil added.  He was losing his composure but - it was Captain America...he had to get it together.  
  
"You are older than me by at least five years and I am definitely not in the Army anymore.  My name's Steve."  
  
"Phil, Phil Coulson.  Sorry, you're just...I'm a big fan," he admitted, shaking his hand.  
  
"Oh.  Thanks?"  Captain America looked miserable.  
  
He needed to get control of this conversation.  He didn't want Barnes to return with the Director and Stark and find Captain America in a puddle of tears.  "Let's get you oriented.  You probably have a lot of questions.  How long have you been conscious?"  
  
"About six hours, maybe?" Steve replied after a beat.  
  
That was troubling.  "Okay.  Agent Barnes has a library, let's get you some timelines and visual aids," Phil decided.  "Have you eaten?"  
  
"I'm starving," Steve replied immediately.  
  
He would happily sit behind a desk for the rest of his life just to have a task of 'babysitting' Captain America for a few hours.  
  
  
  
# pass

  
  
"Shit, I'm sorry, Steve, but I've gotta - "  
  
Steve smiled and waved Bucky out of the room.  He desperately wanted to spend time with Bucky but he had a whole life that Steve wasn't a part of.  40 years of a life that Steve wasn't a part of.  
  
It was his turn to be invisible again.  Following behind Bucky like a stray puppy.  He waited for 20 minutes or so but could still hear Bucky barking orders at his people so he scribbled a note and headed down to Howard's lab.  He knew he had been missing too many years to consider it a habit, but he'd always retreated to Howard's lab when the SSR and Army superiors got to be too much to deal with.  
  
Howard gave him full access to everywhere and he gave the surprised lab techs a small wave and took a seat near his friend behind one of the desks.  
  
He pulled out one of the spiral notebooks he kept tucked around the lab and smiled when he recognized Howard's messy notes beside his numbered list of catch up points.  He couldn't keep up with much of anything his friends talked about and he didn't want to annoy them by interrupting with questions so he saved them for research later.  
  
Howard was the only one that took it upon himself to scribble out truncated explanations in the margins.  Bucky and Peggy respected his privacy and left his notebooks alone but Howard never had boundaries like that.  Howard never gave up the search.  Steve didn't blame any of them for accepting his death - but the eccentricities that made Howard an asshole were the same ones that saved Steve.    
  
"Barnes bossing around the troops again?" Howard asked, sloshing his coffee across the scatterered papers on the desk.  
  
"Isn't he always?  He says he's not one of the bigwigs, but Peggy's the only person who gives him instructions that he follows," Steve replied honestly.  
  
Howard snickered.  "That's definitely true.  He doesn't play nice with politicians.  How are you doing?  Caught up yet?"  
  
Steve motioned to the notebook.  "Haven't had a chance to check your notes."  
  
"Well, get to it.  Maria wants you over for dinner tonight and she's entirely too excited about your education."  
  
Steve liked Maria, she was a good fit for Howard even if the man pretended like she was just another dame.  She had issues but Steve liked her anyway.  
  
"I'm sure I can distract her with more questions about cinema, the VCR is amazing," Steve said.  The documentaries were helpful but he preferred the dramas and comedies from Maria's recommendations.  He liked losing himself in the fantasies where he knew up front what was real.  His real life was more unbelievable than anything he could get on a TV screen.  
  
"Hey.  Are you doing all right?  I know people ask you that all the time, but..."  
  
"I don't know.  'All right' doesn't mean the same to everyone.  I'm getting there, does that count?" Steve replied honestly.  
  
Howard shrugged.  "That's better than anyone thought you'd be right now."  There was a flare of sparks and a muted squeal across the lab and Steve smiled, waving him off.  
  
He missed his friends but the things they used to have in common were ancient history to them now.  The things he had to contribute to conversation were memories to him.  He would get there.  He would stop being an albatross and start being a friend.  Maybe even a teammate if he could learn about the new world's enemies.  He would get there.  
  
  
  
  
# in absentia

  
  
Daniel cursed when he saw the clock as the meeting finally let out.  He was supposed to pick up his wife's _long-lost-love_ two hours ago.  
  
That wasn't fair, Cap was a genuinely nice guy, apart from the longing looks he cast Peggy's way when he didn't know anyone was watching.  
  
"Sir? I have a message for you before you leave from a Mr. Rogers," the agent by the parking deck waved him down. "He said he didn't need a ride and you didn't have to head downtown."  
  
Shit.  Peggy was going to kill him.  "Thanks."  
  
He couldn't come home without Cap. He headed downtown just in case he could catch him walking back.  
  
They were so overprotective of the guy that Daniel didn't want to be the one that lost him.  
  
He'd finally given up when he spotted the tall blond hair coming out of one of the clubs with a cluster of scantily-clad women.  He pulled over into the fire lane and beeped his horn.  
  
"Rogers!" He called finally to catch his attention.  
  
Steve turned and waved, taking time to say goodbye to his new friends and joining him on the curb.  "Hey.  I left a message for you."  
  
"We'll talk about it on the way home," Daniel said.  He regretted his tone when Steve's easy smile dimmed back to wary politeness.  "Sorry, I was just worried.  I know I was late but I would've been there," he added when Steve had himself hunched down in the seat.  
  
"It's fine.  I memorized the map when Peggy forgot me at the Met that first week," Steve replied.  "I can even cross the street without anyone holding my hand."  
  
"Then why did you ask for a ride?" Daniel asked.  He didn't want to be annoyed.  
  
"You offered," Steve replied after a beat.  "I didn't know if was an inconvenience and I really did leave you a message."  
  
"Shit, I'm sorry, Cap.  I got your message, I just felt bad about the meeting running so late," he replied.  
  
Steve shrugged and locked his fifty yard stare on the passing streets.  "It's fine."  
  
Daniel was batting zero today.  "So, what did I interrupt back there?"  
  
Steve didn't answer right away.  "It would've probably bored the heck out of you guys, but it was fun."  
  
"Didn't think a club would be your scene," Daniel replied honestly.  
  
Steve shrugged again.  "Don't really have a scene, do I?"  
  
"Guess not," he conceded.  "But it's good you had fun.  You haven't seemed happy in a while.  Hell, I feel like a dad dragging you home from the drive-in."  
  
He sighed.  "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.  Bucky and Peggy don't want me leaving the house or HQ without a chaperone, I have no job, no education that counts these days and no money that I don't have to ask Howard to borrow.  I'm just a burden to everyone I know and I'm not completely sure what I'm supposed to do about it.  So please don't make me feel any guiltier about you showing up than I already do, okay?"  
  
Three weeks ago, Cap had been dead.  Four weeks ago it had been 1943.  Daniel was a jerk.  He merged over two lanes and headed for the expressway.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm taking you to Atlantic City.  I've heard how you play cards so I'll stake you if you promise not to tell Peggy."

  
  
  
# fledglings

  
  
"Hey, Natalia, right?  Do you have a moment?" Steve hesitated when he saw the sullen teenage girl swaggering down the hall.  Even if he was coming to terms with the way ladies dressed provocatively now, even the way they walked seemed indecent.  
   
"I suppose.  No one is willing to train with me with Barnes off-site," she replied after a beat in clipped English.  
  
"Ah, well, you are underage.  You and the guy in the rafters are a serious insurance risk," Steve said.  
  
"You don't know what that means, do you?" she raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Not so much," he beamed.  "I also don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with these things I was told to test and keep me busy.  So if you're not busy, I could use a little hand-holding with all the shiny future toys.  You too, Snoopy."  
  
The shorter kid, Barton, gracefully dropped to the floor between them.  "Snoopy?"  
  
"Because you're always snooping?  It doesn't matter, just, what the heck am I supposed to do with these?" he motioned to the table filled with metal and plastic equipment.  
  
Barton immediately started touching all the things.  
  
"Were you given any instruction?" Natalia asked.  
  
"Even Stark's dumbed-down instructions go over my head.  And Sousa kept making faces over his shoulder and I drifted off a little," Steve admitted.  
  
"Huh.  Guess you are just a normal guy like Barnes says," Barton muttered.  "Pretty sure these are fancy communicators for field work."  
  
"Which we are not allowed to participate in yet," Natalia added.  
  
"I'm not sure about putting something that small in my ear," Steve said.  He scanned the toys.  "We should try it out."  
  
"Too much interference inside the building and we're not allowed outside without Barnes," Barton said.  
  
Steve considered it.  "I can get it cleared.  We'll play around with these things until we have a list of all that's wrong with them and then you can help with my training."  
  
"You're Captain America," Natalia said curtly.  "How could we help you?"  
  
"Yeah, you're perfect," Barton murmured.  
  
"Nobody's perfect, kid.  You can help me learn Russian and teach me how to do those tricks when you're fighting," he told Natalia before pointing at Barton.  "And you can help me learn how to fire the guns that no one will let me touch and how to be a better pickpocket."  He held out his hand expectantly and Barton sighed, holding out his wallet.  "Thank you."  
  
"What do we get in return?" Natalia asked.  
  
"I am told that I'm lacking in social etiquette, you could teach me that," Barton said, tilting his head.  
  
"I have a teacher for that, too, so yes, sure.  And you, Natalia?"  
  
She pursed her lips.  "I need practice with my accents."  
  
"I think I know someone that can help with that.  See?  We can help each other.  And after, we can go to a show."  
  
"A show.  What kind of show does Captain America go to?" Barton asked.  
  
He skimmed his notebook.  "Tonight's choices are Neil Diamond, Daniel's pick; Iron Maiden, Tony's pick; the National Ballet Company, Maria's pick; and The Wall with Pink Floyd, Howard's pick."  
  
The two teenage agents blinked at him.  
  
"We'll draw straws at the end?" he hesitated, wondering if he shouldn't have offered.  
  
"We will definitely draw straws.  Go talk to Agent Sousa, we'll figure these things out," Barton said.  


  
  
# tutorial

  
  
Captain America wasn't an asshole.  Clint was having a little trouble dealing with that.  He was a hero at HQ, the only thing anyone could talk about but it had been months since he showed up and it wasn't abating.  
  
Not that he wasn't glad about it.  For too long the rumors had been about Barnes' assassin proteges but at least they had a backstory that wasn't immortalized in cartoons and history books.  
  
But Steve, Cap, he was nice.  Smart and funny and fucking curious.  Hell, Clint had even seen Natalia crack a smile or two when they were prowling the city whispering landmarks and directions with Stark's new toys to see if they could find their way.  
  
It was hands-on training that they hadn't been allowed to have since their 'rescue' by the one-armed HYDRA hunter.  
  
He wasn't sure how the rest of the day would go when Steve led them up a manicured walkway to one of Stark's many mansions.  
  
"I thought Maria Stark was a recluse," Natalia said quietly.  
  
"She doesn't go out much but...she's been having more good days now that they're balancing her medication better.  They medicate for everything now," Steve said.  
  
"What do you think she should do instead?" Clint asked after a moment.  
  
"Not drink so much.  But she is married to Howard," Steve murmured.  "Just be nice, she's a lady and she deserves our respect."  
  
Natalia met Clint's eyes and shrugged slightly.  "We will behave."  
  
The door opened before Steve knocked and Clint recognized Stark's butler.  "Captain Rogers, always good to see you, Sir," he started but Steve snorted and embraced him warmly.  
  
"That's not proper etiquette," Natalia whispered to him loudly.  
  
"He is a work in progress.  Master Barton, Ms. Romanova, welcome.  Maria is awaiting your arrival, but I should warn you..." Jarvis started.  
  
"Bad day?" Steve interrupted.  
  
"No, actually.  She is remarkably improved, the warning is because she is determined to go to the opening of the ballet tonight and has had little luck convincing Howard and Anthony to accompany her," Jarvis smiled.  
  
"I promised my friends that we would draw straws," Steve replied.  
  
Natalia gave Clint a pointed look and he sighed dramatically.  "I would take one for the team, but I don't have clothes fit for a fancy night out."  
  
Jarvis smiled.  "That can be remedied, young sir."  
  
Clint had a bad feeling but Natalia actually smiled and Cap patted him firmly on the back.  
  
Maria Stark was impressive, regal and commanding where she sat in the expansive parlor flipping through a glossy magazine.  Her face bloomed into a smile when she saw them.  "Steve, I was worried you had forgotten your lesson today."  
  
"No ma'am, just testing out some of your son's toys.  This is Clint Barton and Natalia Romanova, they're helping me with my readjustment," Steve explained.  
  
"Perhaps you could use some help from a younger generation.  Tony's not the best with social interaction with his peers," Maria hummed, sizing them up with sharp eyes.  "And you've finally brought me a protegee of my own."  
  
Natalia raised her eyebrow but didn't back down from the woman's steely gaze.  
  
"Um, she's already pretty up to date on manners," Steve hesitated.  
  
"She is standing behind the alpha males in the room when everyone knows now that the bitches run the real packs," Maria huffed.  Steve flushed at her language.  
  
"I don't care if they're grooming you as a spy or a boss like Carter, but you have to make sure everyone's eyes are on you and only you when you walk into a room.  Show enough skin and they won't worry about what you're really there for, that's the power of breasts."  
  
"Maria!" Steve gasped.  "Please, watch your language.  I don't think talk like this belongs in etiquette class."  
  
"I never reached that level of my training," Natalia said.  
  
"Training?  You're one of Bucky's Red girls?" Maria tsked.  "Nasty business, treating children like that.  Jarvis, which one of Howard's ladies is the French whore?"  
  
Jarvis choked slightly.  "I'm sure I don't know - "  
  
"I'm not drunk yet, Jarvis, and he's been humping her longer than he's been married to me.  Call her and see if she'll bring over her makeup kit, she has the best product.  Come along, dear, Jarvis can handle the boys for a bit."  
  
"I thought you said she was having a good day," Steve turned to Jarvis when Maria had shuffled Natalia from the room.  
  
"I don't know, she's kind of awesome," Clint decided.  "Natalia doesn't get a lot of female interaction."  
  
"I assure you, Mrs. Stark is more herself than she has been in...years.  Perhaps you would like to join Anthony in his workshop to update him on your trials," Jarvis suggested.  
  
"Maybe warn Howard before you call Lisette," Cap sighed, throwing an arm around Clint and leading him down a hallway.  
  
Yeah, Steve was all right.  
  



	8. we are still living on broken glass

  
# bang bang  
  
"I don't like that guy," Cap murmured under his breath, watching Stane out of the corner of his eye as the milling guests flooded the ballroom for tonight's event.  Natasha was pretty sure Maria was only throwing them to get Steve to lure Howard out of the workshop.  
  
"All of Stark Senior's business friends are sleazy," Clint replied.  "Stop fidgeting with your cummerbund or we'll get demerits."  
  
"Maria says Stane's been spending an unusual amount of time with Tony," Natasha said thoughtfully.  
  
Cap hummed.  "Tony was supposed to be here but Jarvis said they were held up by a funeral procession in Queens.  I didn't ask why they were in Queens."  
  
"You're treating this like a job.  Is this a job?" Clint asked.  Natasha was wondering the same thing.  
  
He shook his head.  "No, but Howard and Maria are my friends and blatantly lax with their own safety."  
  
Natasha scanned the room, letting her gut lead her eyes.  Oh.    
  
"I get it.  There are definitely a few guys here pretending to be interested in everyone that's not Maria or Howard," Clint said before she could.  
  
"Dance with me in that direction," Natasha said.  "Cap - "  
  
"Maria wants to introduce me around,"' Steve nodded.  "I'm sure it's nothing.  But."  
  
"We have the ear things, we'll link up," Natasha said, linking arms with Clint and guiding him to the dance floor.  She reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear and pushed in the earpiece.  "Okay?"  
  
"Didn't expect tonight to be this kind of training," Clint winked, as she slid in her own communicator.  
  
"Cap, can you hear us?" she murmured and fell into step with Clint.  He'd improved a lot with their dancing lessons.  Well, she spent their dancing lessons getting mocking lessons from Maria but they all learned something.  
  
"Copy," Steve's voice said in her ear.  She rolled her eyes and Clint snickered.  She would never admit it out loud, especially around James; but she was glad she'd been working with Cap.  Clint was probably the first real friend she'd ever had her own age and even if he was pretty fucked up, too; it was a new feeling.  
     
"Stane just made his way behind the catering table, he's headed to the kitchen solo," Clint said.  
  
"Interesting," Natasha hummed.  She saw Steve taking Maria's delicately extended hand and turned her into a dance.  "Remember to lead this time, Cap."  
  
"I have to watch her toes," Cap replied.  "On my eight o'clock."  
  
It was in her eyeline and she saw the flash of metal a moment too late.  The first scream filled her senses before the sound of the gunshot.  
  
"Widow, to me, Hawkeye, get high," Cap said.  
  
Codenames meant they were working and going everywhere armed was something she hadn't shaken from the camps.  
  
Clint had guns in both hands and he nodded at her and darted into the crowd.  
  
Cap was crouched over Maria and the smell of blood overtook the gunpowder filling her senses.  "No, Cap..."  
  
"I'm fine, I'm okay, it's - " Maria said hoarsely, tugging at her dress.  Howard fell to his knees beside them.  
  
"Do not let them out of your sight," Cap said to her.  She nodded.  She could handle that mission when her tutor, her friend, was bleeding under his hands.  He turned to Howard when she replaced his hands on her stained dress.  "I'm going - "  
  
"Find them, Cap," Howard growled and Cap was gone.  
  
"I'm fine, I swear - " Maria said, finally sucking in a breath when Natasha got the snaps undone from her gown's built-in bodice.  
  
"Maria - you're - " Howard started brokenly.  
  
Natasha ran her fingers over the circular impact and frowned, pulling a crushed bullet from the lace.  The bodice was made of armor.  
  
"Lisette gave it to me, she said it was all the rage in Paris," Maria said.  
  
Howard choked, pulling Maria into a hug.  "Oh, you meddling bitch, I love you so much."  
  
"Hey, are you guys testing the communicators without me?" Tony's voice in her ear snapped Natasha from her lapse.  
  
"Where are you, Tony?  Tell your driver to turn around," Clint said.  
  
"Obie called Jarvis, said he needed to meet us at - "  
  
"He's dirty, Tony.  Tell Jarvis to take you to a safehouse," Natasha said.  Howard and Maria both looked at her in surprise and she motioned to her ear.  "Toys."  
  
"Number 8.7, Stark.  Jarvis will know.  I'm going to need a retrieval in ten minutes or so, depending on how much I can get out of this guy before someone stops me," Cap said.  
  
"8.7?" Natasha repeated.  
  
"I know where that is," Maria said.  "It's one of mine."  
  
"Christ," Howard huffed.  
  
"Okay, so I have no idea what's going on but Jarvis said that's serious and wants to know if anyone needs an ambulance.  Cap?  You are joking about this, right?  I know how you get with training runs and this - "  
  
"Get to the safehouse, Tony, we all have our jobs to do," Cap said.  
  
Clint appeared.  "Got us an exit - oh shit - are you all right?"  
  
"Howard, give me your coat, Natasha, put that gun away and Clinton - help me up and make sure no one else shoots at us," Maria said, shooing her and Howard's hands away and smoothing down what was left of her dress.  "I don't think this is all my blood."  
  
"Make sure you get a decon team over here, Cap, in case you sprung a leak," Clint said into the comm.  
  
"Remind me to give whoever you report to a raise, unless it's Barnes because he's overpaid as it is, come on, baby, let's get you out of here," Howard said.  
  
"I don't know who he's working with, but don't let your guard down," Cap said suddenly before a buzz filled her ear in his place.  
  
  
  
  
# break  
  
"You're not a soldier anymore, you're not a spy - hell, you're not even an agent so stop pretending like you're 'just doing your job'!  This is our life - you're messing with Stark's business, with Peggy's marriage and with my trainees when it's not your business!"  
  
Tony felt everyone in the room wince at Bucky's words.  This was bad.  Bucky was drawing a line in the sand.  
  
"This isn't the place you left, we aren't the people you left and you can't just walk in here and expect us to follow your lead, you aren't - fuck - it's not supposed to be like this, Steve."  
  
"No, it's not, I'm supposed to be dead.  So we can just try that scenario out again."  
  
There was a clink and a thump then the door opened.  Steve's tuxedo was stiff with blood by now but his jaw was set and he glanced at Natasha and Clint but none of them moved.  
  
Steve put down the tiny communicator and recorder on the table.  "If your father wants to hear it, everything's on there."  He turned to Clint and Natasha.  "Tell Agent Sousa that the anniversary party is still a go for the 31st at the Madison ballroom.  Thank you both for all your help, I couldn't have made it this far without you."  
  
Bucky stepped out, nostrils flared and opened his mouth to speak but Cap cut him off, squaring his shoulders.  
  
"You can let your superiors know that I have decided not to accept their offer for employment."  He walked out of the room and didn't even slam the door when he left despite the cold anger in his eyes.  
  
"Permission to return to HQ, Sir?" Natasha asked.  
  
"You need to stay for debrief when Director Carter gets here," Bucky replied after a beat.  "Where's Howard?"  
  
"Going through the books to see how much money he earned through legitimate business deals since he hired Obie," Tony replied quietly.  "Cap wasn't wrong about him.  He used SI money to pay for the hit tonight, had a fucking receipt in his pocket when the agents searched him."  
  
"What?" Bucky asked sharply.  
  
"And for the record, Cap's been helping Sousa plan a surprise anniversary party for weeks," Tony added.  
  
Natasha was very still when she spoke, her eyes lowered.  "I apologize for losing focus on my training.  I take full responsibility."  
  
Clint huffed.  "And we're back to robot Natalia, nice."  He turned to Bucky, defiant.   "Permission to clean up, Sir?"  
  
Bucky waved them both off and sat down heavily, cradling his face in his metal hand.  
  
"What's all this about, Bucky?  You never yell at Cap but, well, you got a little excessive tonight," Tony said.  
  
He didn't answer right away.  "I don't know.  I don't know what I thought it would be like."  
  
"You thought he was dead, Bucky.  All of you did.  Dad's whole search for him - you know it was always for his remains, not for him.  I've known you my whole life, I've spent more time with you than I have either of my parents," Tony said.  "You, Dad, Peggy - you would never have been able to move on if you didn't let him go.  He's having as much trouble being alive as you guys are having with it."  
  
"I don't know what to do.  I missed him so much, I wanted him back so much - but I'm - he's still so fucking good and perfect and I'm so fucked up, what am I supposed to do for him?"  
  
Tony sighed.  "God, he's friends with much worse people than you, Bucky.  Is that why you've been avoiding him?  The only reason he hangs out with the rest of us is because you and Peggy are too busy to deal with him.  God, I don't want to be the one that gives lectures - this is not my job."  
  
Howard stepped in and squeezed Tony's shoulder in an oddly affectionate manner.  "Your mom wants to see you and Peggy's a few minutes out.  Where's Cap?"  
  
Tony pushed himself out of his seat.  "Yeah, I'll let Uncle Bucky field that one."  
  
  
  
  
# reprieve  
  
"I am going to kill her.  Politely, of course, but very painfully," Peggy said as the elevator steadily rose.  
  
"Please don't, Bucky's pissed Cap off enough already.  If he's living in sin, it's Bucky's fault," Howard said.  
  
Bucky shifted uneasily.  "This is my mess, you guys don't need to be here."  
  
Peggy glared at him.  "You're right, it is your mess, but we all need to be here.  We've let him down.  You're allowed a tantrum, but it's not his fault you don't have a long-suffering wife or husband to hear yours."  
  
"Maria never listens to mine, that's what Jarvis gets paid for," Howard chimed in.  
  
Bucky was wrecked, like a kicked puppy on the edge of a bridge in a rainstorm or something.  She thumped him hard in the shoulder.  "He's alive and he's still your Steve so you'll be forgiven as soon as you explain yourself."  
  
"Not my Steve," Bucky muttered.  
  
"I'm pretty impressed he's shacking up with someone already, I didn't know he was dating," Howard said thoughtfully.  
  
She frowned.  "If I find out this is what Daniel's been hiding from me, I will be even less amused."  
  
The elevator slowed to a stop and she led the way to the appropriate apartment and rapped loudly.  
  
Agent May opened the door and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.  "Director Carter.  I assume you aren't here for the game."  
  
She heard voices from inside and Bucky stiffened.  She didn't think he wanted an audience making up with Steve but he needed to suck it up.  They were all adults here.  Except Agent May who was still in her twenties and too young for Steve.  Maybe that wasn't the best reasoning but she was working on it.  
  
"Come on in, but I will preface by saying that we are all off the clock," May said as she stepped aside.  
  
Bucky moved ahead and stalked up to a dining room table strewn with playing cards.  "He cheats."  
  
"You don't even know what game we're playing," Steve replied from behind his hand.  
  
Peggy made note of his opponents, SHIELD old and new, relaxed in civilian clothes.  Fury, Coulson, Hill, and a spare seat for May.  
  
Bastard had already started building a team even if he hadn't signed on the roster.  Not that she planned on letting him back in the field this soon.  Steve - she didn't know where he fit into SHIELD as it stood now.  Things were changing and his return could swing their direction in more ways than she wanted to consider.  
  
"It doesn't matter what game you're playing, you always cheat," Bucky said flatly.  
   
"Director, what brings you here?" May asked pointedly.  
  
"Captain Rogers did not report for debrief and we were told he was seen here," Peggy replied.  
  
"I'm renting a room, it has a separate entrance into the stairs so I don't have to bother her," Steve said, folding his hand and standing up while avoiding eye contact with Bucky.  This wasn't going to be as easy as any of them wanted.  "Since you're here unnannounced, hopefully you'll forgive the mess."  Bucky immediately turned and headed toward the spare room expecting them to follow him.  
  
Peggy bit her tongue when she saw the soft way Agent May leaned in and murmured in his ear.  She wasn't allowed to be jealous.  She was protective but not jealous.  Daniel would kill her.  And Steve, the bloody bastard, would kill her for hurting Daniel.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Steve!" Bucky yelped from the other room.  Steve hurried past her in the tiny hallway and barely waited for her to step into the small entry to his part of the apartment before snapping the door closed.  
  
There were paintings leaned and stacked haphazardly around the room in bright technicolor and pastels, oil and watercolors, pencil and charcoal - all sizes and shapes.  
  
"Wow," Howard said, summing up her own thoughts.  
  
"Okay," Steve said suddenly, pushing his hand through his hair unsteadily.  Unsteady was a rare thing for Steve and her fingers twitched to check him.  "Melinda says I'm bad at talking."  
  
"Steve, I'm the one that needs to apologize - " Bucky started.  
  
Steve shook his head.  "No.  Look...I'm trying really hard.  You're caught up in politics of a world I don't understand even with months of studying behind me," he said to her.  "And you're in the lab or the boardroom, neither of which have ever interested me and you - " he turned from Howard to Bucky.  "You have this amazing, exciting life that I can't tag along on like a stray puppy like I used to.  I'm not a part of your lives, I'm not a part of any kind of life yet, not even mine."  
  
"Don't say that - we let you down," Peggy blurted out.  
  
"No, that's not what I'm saying.  You guys were the only people that cared enough to keep looking, even though you thought you were looking for a body - you found me and I'm grateful.  But none of you can make me fit, not yet."  He huffed, his face wrinkled with emotion.  "The three of you are all I have but I can't - I can't keep up.  It's been so long for all of you but it's only been...it hasn't been long enough yet for me to accept it."  
  
"I don't know if we're on the same page here, buddy," Howard said before she could get her words out.  "We aren't pushing you - "  
  
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," Steve blurted out, sitting down heavily between a couple of paintings leaned against the small couch.  "I'm not supposed to be here..."  
  
Peggy crouched down and embraced him tightly.  "You are, you're home.  You're doing better than anyone expects, Steve.  The only reason we let you out of our sight is because we haven't seen that you're struggling."  
  
Steve sighed.  "No one in this room other than Bucky's known me over a year.  And even he's known the rest of his friends longer than he's known me.  I have to figure out where I fit."  
  
"I'm taking this," Howard said, reaching out and snatching one of the paintings.  "And this.  I need to bring Maria pretty things."  
  
"You can't have the second one, it's for Jarvis' wife," Steve said absently.  
  
"How the hell can you say you don't fit when you've got this whole circle of friends outside of us?" Bucky asked.  He squeezed Steve's shoulder and Peggy winced at the whir of his fingers when he tightened his grip.  
  
"What do you need, Steve?" Peggy asked quietly.  "How do we help you 'fit'?"  
  
"You were feeling okay until I blasted you," Bucky added.  
  
Steve lowered his head and she held her breath.  
  
"I don't think Natasha and Clint should have to live in barracks.  They should go to school so they can learn how to be around people and not just agents.  I think I want a place to live in the city.  They can go to school part time and I can go with them to HQ for training.  I want to work with Melinda and learn how to fight like she does, and how Nick can be so fucking sneaky - he cheats at cards better than I do and that really fires me up," Steve narrowed his eyes at the thought.  
  
"I don't know if they're the best influences on you, but if you'll shadow Coulson and Hill and get your politics caught up, I don't see why any of that can't happen.  You're not a captive," Peggy said.  
  
"We'll have to work on papers for Bucky's minions but they're not exactly captives, either," Howard said, still digging through the paintings.  
  
"Oh, they definitely don't want to lose their slots at SHIELD," Steve replied quickly.  "Clint's got this whole hero worship thing over Phil and I swear Natasha's imprinted on Nick.  Bucky's their papa bear, but they've got their sights set on being Agents."  
  
"Tony's going to feel left out," Peggy snorted.  
  
"He's already got a house picked out for you, doesn't he?" Bucky sighed after a beat.  
  
Steve smiled and Peggy finally let out her breath.  "It's a couple of townhouses, side by side.  Space for Bucky, and enough for my friends to have rooms when their significant others kick them out."  
  
"Won't May miss you?" Peggy asked now that the air seemed clearer.  
  
Steve rolled his eyes.  "Maybe, but her boyfriend definitely won't."

**Author's Note:**

> title and chapter titles from Everclear.


End file.
